The Postman

Apparently next year's really gonna suck.

"It is 2013. War has crippled the Earth. Technology has been erased. Our only hope is an unlikely hero."

Happy Thursday everyone! As promised today I will talk about the post-apocalyptic epic The Postman, and in the process probably get really angry as I talk about the variety of stupid reasons people hated it.

The Postman is a nearly three hour long movie, based on a David Brin novel of the same name, about a man traversing the wasteland left behind by the collapse of modern society (It is implied that it is a combination of nuclear war, plague, and social unrest brought on by a sect of hypersurvivalists known as Holnists). This man (Kevin Costner) is just trying to survive, and in the process he sets about a course of events that change the world. He does this by posing as a postman, for a fictitious reformed government that he makes up. By doing this he gives the people of the scattered remaining settlements hope and a banner to flock to, in opposition of the army of General Bethlehem (the Holnists I mentioned above, named after their philosophy's founder, a writer named Nathan Holn).

Blank Man

Damon Wayans really jumped off a building
for this picture. He died after.

"Coming to save your butt!"

Happy Tuesday everyone! As promised, this week I resume reviewing my regular fare, and will start off with a movie which I watched almost enough to make up for the fact that basically no one else did. Starring Damon Wayans as Darryl Walker, a power nerd appliance repairman who's obsessed with being a superhero, because he watched way too many episodes of the 60s Batman tv show when he was little. Daryl invents a variety of really budget gadgets essentially made out of garbage, along with a special solution that makes clothing impervious to attacks. Special tools and a bullet proof costume don't change the fact that Darryl is a maladjusted, spastic dork, and so his initial attempts at fighting crime in a beleaguered city are... middling at best. However with the help of his washing machine robot J5 (I assume this is a Short Circuit reference?) and his brother Kevin (David Alan Grier) Darryl squares off against mob boss Michael Manelli in an attempt to bring him to justice.

Game Movies: A Retrospective (Part 1)

It's Saturday, and you know what that means! It's time for a special post, and as promised today I will be discussing movies based on games! I was originally going to do the top 7 worst movies based on video games, but there were just so many bad movies that I decided I would break it up by decade. There are so few examples of good video game movies that I will probably do a post devoted just to those at some point in the future. So here is in order, the top 5 worst video game movies of the 1990s.

THE WORST 90s VIDEO GAME MOVIES

Sunshine Cleaning

Pretend the title is a couch soaked in blood and you'll get the idea.

"Life's a messy business"

Welcome back to pretentious indie week, where I will now be discussing a movie in this category that actually had a 8 million dollar budget. I know when I set out to do things, I always come at it with at least 6 mil in cash up my sleeve! Sunshine Cleaning was originally released in March of 2009 with a limited release, but a month later was given a wider release, though that didn't do much for its grossing (bigger is not always better for budgets  I guess, and this movie only ended up taking home around 16 mil all together).

The Go-Getter

No one stands on a car in this movie.

"Life doesn't come with a roadmap."

As promised this week will be all about movies that are not considered big Hollywood. Don't be fooled though! That only means that they're small Hollywood! While it might be considered a minor project released at the Sundance Festival, let me put things into perspective. The Go-Getter stars Lou Taylor Pucci (I would guess he is best known for his performance in The Chumscrubber if you know him at all) opposite Zooey Deschanel (currently she stars on the TV show New Girl but she's appeared in a variety of other movies, including (500) Days of Summer and Elf to name a few) and Jena Malone (probably best remembered as Gretchin Ross in Donnie Darko). The movie ran for only 3 days and grossed over 11 million. That's not exactly mom and pop, and director Martin Hynes spent around 23,000 dollars just on establishing and location shots (large sections of the movie are actually shot on location, which is a pretty big deal because it is a road trip movie).

The Worst Animal Movies (Animated or Otherwise)

It's Saturday, and that means its time for another very special update from The Tagline. Today I give you, with a mild cringe and some regret:

THE WORST OF ANIMAL MOVIES

The Craft

Prepare to travel back in time.

"Welcome to the witching hour."

The witching hour to be more specific, was early May, 1996. I promised to spend the whole week reviewing movies without explosions, and technically this follows that. Mostly. Shut up.

When I think about the '90s, no movie to me more embodies the very middle of the era than The Craft. The craft centers around the new girl coming to a catholic high school, where she falls in with three weirdos who practice witchcraft, they all start practicing witchcraft, and then they use it to do really petty, nasty things to all the people who they feel have wronged them in some way. They each represent their own archetype of 'disenfranchised high-schooler who wants to get even. Robin Tunney, following her performance the previous year in Empire Records (though you may better know her today as Special Agent Lisbon on TNT's The Mentalist) portrays Sarah Bailey, a 16 year old girl with suicidal tendencies in her past, along with a history of hallucinations. Neve Campbell, probably best remembered as Julia Salinger on Party of Five or Sidney from the Scream franchise, portrays Bonnie, a girl with severe burns that make her the subject of bullying. Rachel True, who honestly never went to do much of anything (she has since had a handful of bit parts on tv shows and tv movies) plays Rochelle, a girl picked on mercilessly by the popular crowd because they are great big racists, and Rochelle is the only African-American student in the whole school.