Breaking Dawn, Part II

Are you ready for this experience!

"The epic finale that will live forever"

Welcome to Thanksgiving week (or... nothing special if you don't live in the U.S. I suppose) A new edition of The Tagline is out today! I braved the rabid crowds Thursday at midnight, got lost in the dark, and finally arrived at a theater despite the growing cold I was developing, all so I could bring you my impressions of this, the final movie in the TWILIGHT SAGA!!! I knew that I couldn't allow myself to miss a movie that was guaranteed to fill me with unintentional amusement, and I didn't want to deprive you of that second-hand humor! Breaking Dawn: Part II continues the adaptation of Stephanie Meyer's final Twilight novel, a story that is 25% wedding 25% gross excessively long sex stuff that's really unsexy, 40% buildup, 5% a baby being eaten out of Bella's stomach, and 5% the climax never happening. How did the movie compare? Well Breaking Dawn: Part I was almost entirely the aforementioned wedding and gross sex stuff. Part II was also stuffed with gross RPatz KStew sexytimes, but also lots of that aforementioned buildup. What's that like huh?

This is albino dracula, one of a billion
characters introduced in this movie.

Before I get into that too much, I guess I should go over the cast a little bit. Breaking Dawn has the hugest cast of undeveloped characters any movie has ever seen. Foremost is obviously Bella (Kristin Stewart) Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Jacob (Taylor Lautner). Then there are the rest of the Cullens, Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, and Emmet (Peter Fascinelli, who you'll be seeing again soon, Elizabeth Reaser, Jackson Rathbone, Ashley Greene, Nikki Reed and Kellan Lutz). Principal amongst antagonists in the film are the Volturi, who I guess rule vampire world? They include Aro, Caius and Marcus (Michael Sheen, who is the fruitiest and creepiest of villains, also see his performance in Tron Legacy, Jamie Campbell Bower, and Christopher Heyerdahl). This list goes on forever and ever, the movie has a million characters. Most of them are introduced just in this freaking movie. Despite their numbers, none of them are especially developed. Actually, they are especially undeveloped. They exist, like all characters in this stupid series, only as accessories to the magical story of Bella Swan: SuperMarySue. In this particular entry, Bella becomes a vampire, and of course she is the BEST COOLEST VAMPIRE EVER. 

Here's 10,000 more characters, I think one of them is
the ice truck killer from Dexter.

The only person almost as special as Bella is of course her super daughter, Renesme, (I feel like I suffered brain damage just typing THAT name). She has magical weird child powers, and also grows super fast. Also by the way, Jacob, the wolf boy, has imprinted on her, so that means he loves her forever, even though she was a newborn about ten minutes ago. Apparently he will date her later? This all plays into Stephanie Meyer's weird ideas about what feelings are, and contribute to the wide world of creepy, unhealthy relationships in the Twilightverse. You see, everyone in Twilight must immediately and instantly pair off, but they have NO CONTROL over who they end up with. Super duper gang. 

Michael Sheen isn't buying this crap. He came to kill.

So the plot centers around a coming battle between the Volturi and the Cullens and all their super pals. Most of these vampires have super powers like the fucking X-Men, which I find incredibly lame, because it makes them seem not even like vampires. Anyway, the Volturi come, and they get ready for this big fight, and then HAVE the big fight, and then like 15 minutes later SPOILERS it was all just a premonition Alice sent to Aro to get him to back down and then everyone goes home. That is literally the lamest way any franchise or movie could end ever. Now I get it. They know it'll be a costly battle, and Aro knows he will die, so he doesn't do it, but that's not the damned point! The Cullens go around acting so holier than thou because they don't drink human blood, but when their beliefs and values are put to the test, they puss out and walk away.

More people, including Pedo the Wolf.

 It would be like if all the Death Eaters lined up outside Hogwarts, but then Harry told Voldemort he was going down, and then everyone just went home, and no one tried to stop Voldemort from massacring people, because hey, at least he wasn't trying to kill Ginny or any of Harry's other friends. Not only does that make a lame movie, it reveals incredibly shitty protagonists. Who wants to idolize characters who have no convictions. Yeah it hurts when characters you really are attached to die, but you respect them when they die for a cause they believe in, just because it's right. This last movie was the last chance at some shred of redemption for these fucksticks, and they failed hard. We don't get our conclusion, the bad guys get to keep getting away with it, end of franchise. I wasn't surprised, but I was annoyed. At least there's always Charlie and his awesome mustache (Billy Burke's the man).

That's all I have to say about this crapstorm of a movie. The best parts about it were all things that didn't happen (the part where everyone died in glorious, Anglo-Saxon battle upon the frozen fields) and it was totally lame. Except for this one part where Bella beats up Jacob and everyone laughs at him. That was pretty cool.

Join me on Thursday, for another, much less shitty movie! I promise! No more Twilight! Ever again!