Cyber Seduction

Really took the time to make this legit.

"He's with hundreds of women every night... without ever leaving his computer."

Good morning my friends, and welcome. Normally its all shits and giggles up in here, but today I want to talk about a very serious epidemic that's sweeping the 2005 nation: Boys looking at mostly covered up boobs on the internet. Yes that's right, it's no joke, boys the nation over are giving up otherwise productive lives so they can almost see a boob on the internet, but not quite. They start drinking energy drinks, and will drain your credit card dry, just to pay for an almost glimpse at part of a boob maybe in some leather bikini. It's horrifying to imagine but we can't just turn a blind eye while the terrifying internets suck the souls from the still living penises of teenagers everywhere. Yes I really typed that sentence, looked at it, and thought "yup, let's go with that." That's not the point though. Okay it kind of is the point of today's movie actually, which is the often lauded and truly informative CYBER SEDUCTION: HIS SECRET LIFE, a made for Lifetime movie about a teenage boy who discovers internet pornography, and is then sucked headlong into a world of desperate jacking off, that ultimately destroys him almost.

Are you having fun? Yeah porn dungeon is great.

It's important to set the stage though before I really DIVE into this (get it because he's a swim star did I not mention that? Yeah he's like the king of pooltown or something whatever). Picture if you will: the year is 2005, and the internet has only just been born, and barely even begun to slouch towards Bethlehem. Google was only just a thing, and the whole internet had not yet been soaked in free pornography to the degree that now it is challenging to escape from the never-ending deluge of tits that constantly bombards your screen. Not to mention that Facebook didn't exist for people to constantly post their borderline pornography on. No instead boys had to burn images of boobs onto a disk labelled "Virgin Vaginas" to hide them from his parents. You see, up until a chance encounter with pornography Justin Peterson had gone his whole life without trouble, got good grades, was a star of his swim team, and had a good Christian girlfriend. This all changed when his friend was looking at porn in a porn dungeon with a bunch of other people and it was super weird. After that no one else wants to see the porns, but Justin BOY DOES HE EVER. He becomes obsessed with intertits, and this leads him down the path to sin staying up late jerking it maybe, we never do find out for sure. Justin starts not doing so great at swimming, and becomes fixated on this girl at his school who does seductive and sexy things on a website that is her own stripping website that somehow EVERYONE IN THE SCHOOL DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT AND TALK ABOUT, like seriously I don't think the people who made this movie have ever even been NEAR a high school.

Justin's addiction soon begins to get him in hot water with his parents as well as his nice girlfriend, and leads him to lie, steal, sneak around, and coerce his brother into keeping quiet about it. His brother also readily begins to share porn, and did I mention he is like 10. His addiction leads to tragic scenes like this one, that I need you to watch because they clearly wanted to have Linkin Park's "In The End" playing but couldn't afford it, and so had someone perform a just really hilarious imitation of it that I think you'll enjoy:

That was great right? This clip also introduces another really awesome point: Justin's good Christian, waiting until marriage girlfriend is played by Lyndsy Fonseca, who you may remember banging Kick-Ass next to a dumpster behind a comic shop. Yeah, I guess that's what happens when your boyfriend is consumed by internet porn.

The only thing better than Linkin Park, is pretend Linkin Park.

Then again, is he really? I'd say, no not really he just seems obsessed with this one girl who has the webcam site. He also just generally seems like a sort of shitty person. Lifetime might not be able to believe it, but you don't like, see a nipple on a computer screen and then become a lying, stealing, conniving assbag when the day before you were Joe P America. Looking at things on the internet isn't like shooting Heroin, one taste and then you're ADDICTED. Then again anyone who employs fake Linkin Park can't be expected to have a strong grasp of psychology I guess. Or reality in general. Still, we are treated to desperate scenes of Justin's downward spiral into night porning, and also a few really weird scenes where his mom is like swimming at walking towards him and I didn't realize it was his mom at first and then after I was really weirded out by the way he was staring at her like maybe this kid has a whole host of issues.

He's thinking about boobs right now oh no!

The movie also just kind of peters out before any real resolution happens. Sure Justin loses the trust of his parents, his girlfriend, and also gets the ever-loving shit beat out of him in a dark alleyway by some guys at school backing up the webcam girl's boyfriend (after Justin refuses to have sex with her she bashes her head into a counter and claims he tried to rape her, of course much like the beating her boyfriend and crew deliver this makes me wonder if cops don't exist in this world) but other than that there's no real resolution. Justin jumps into the pool at school, which is always unlocked apparently because that seems like they wouldn't be fishing dead kids out of there all the time. It seems like he's just gonna let himself drown, but then he thinks of all the good stuff in his life, and doesn't and that is literally the end of the movie. Way to really commit guys!

Here he gives up virgin vaginas in the name of Jesus.

This movie is absolutely garbage, as you would no doubt hope and expect from a Lifetime original. It offers neither genuine insight into disease nor into the minds of anyone except the creators. It instead offers some weird Oedipal complex stuff, a variety of really half-assed scenes about porn, and also some truly awesome CDs about Virgin Vaginas, that get stolen by kid brothers. Also everyone finds out about how Justin likes porn and then they bully him in the locker room about it, which seems like maybe those guys wouldn't do that when they were having a weird porn watching party about a week before that. Who knows though really, teenagers are sooooo weird right? Especially in 2005.

I recommend you check this stuff out! In the meantime, please enjoy this quality moment:

Just watch him mouse around those boobs.