The Net

SPECIAL DVDITION.

"Her driver's license. Her credit cards. Her bank accounts. Her identity. DELETED."

Hello Tagliners, welcome back, this week I decided that I'd greet this fine new year by taking a look back. But then I couldn't STOP looking back, and I just looked further and further and eventually I was all the way back in 1995 and I had no way of getting back to the present and instead had to watch old cyber thrillers. That's right, today we're going to take a look back at the internet as imagined by the brain trusts of Hollywood in 1995. This crack team of geniuses produced The Net, a film where Sandra Bullock stars as Angela Bennett, a computer programmer who works remotely, and has no friends in the real world. I think that covers most people in the world now, but in 1995 I guess it was a pretty novel concept, anyway Angela stumbles into some kind of conspiracy, because this is the 90s, and then her entire identity is erased and she can't prove who she is and everyone thinks she is a hooker and they want to kill her. I'll explain more but I mean the real great thing here is that Angela Bennett is such a recluse, that there are literally TWO people in the world who even recognize her by her face. Now that is some pretty epic hermit action. I mean granted they didn't have Facebook for her to post selfies to all day long but still, I think most people probably have at least THREE others who would recognize them and be able to vouch for them not being a prostitute who was in Mexico.

Is that a laptop, or are you... just happy to... shit let me start over.

So I guess I should go more into depth I guess, and explain how this movie is not quite as ridiculous as it seems, though I will grant that it is actually totally ridiculous I take it back. So one day Angela discovers a disk that has some backdoor to a security program lots of people use. Her apparently one and only real friend is going to come over to show her, but he dies when his plane explodes because of teh haxxorz. I don't know why he needed to fly his own plane to her, but I guess everyone was rich in the 90s except me. Anyway, Angela doesn't think much about her friend blowing up, and goes on vacation to Mexico, where a man seduces her, pays a guy to steal her wallet, shoots that guy with a silenced handgun, and then tries to kill her. I'm not sure why he shoots the guy he paid to take her stuff, I feel like a clueless guy who barely speaks English in a country you don't live in is less difficult to explain than a clueless guy who you shot 4 times and left dead near somewhere you were. THAT'S JUST A THOUGHT 90s KILLER MAN. This is the 90s in Hollywood though, so a movie without a "silenced" gun killing someone is only a half-finished movie. It's missing that little sound they make you know the "pewpew".

Ruth Marx: Notorious Harlot.

Getting sidetracked ANYWAY Angela manages to get away but she loses the disk and also all of her identifying things, and discovers when she gets back to America that now she is convicted felon and crack whore Ruth Marx, her house has been sold, and she has no nothing. So she goes to see the only OTHER person who knows her (her mom has Alzheimer's so no luck there) who unfortunately for her is Dennis Miller, as DOCTOR ALAN CHAMPION. Well unfortunately he isn't a champion, and he is poisoned and then killed in the hospital by CYBER SWAPPING of his allergies and charts because of the faceless evil hacker men who I guess are like the 1995 version of Anonymous, only they've decided to torment Sandra Bullock. Well eventually Sandra uses her super Pizza Net skills to turn the tables and then she maybe kind of pushes the killer guy off a catwalk which is really kind of murder but it's okay! Because at least she did it as Angela Bennett, and not renowned prostitute and parole violator Ruth Marx.

Can't tell you how many sleepless nights I've spent browsing Pizza.Net.

This movie is, from the considerable high ground of 2014, pretty goddamned hilarious, on several levels. First you have the 90s thriller level on top, which makes any movie from that era ridiculous, because when you stop to really think about it they all basically were. The premise is generally "Here is a contrived set of really specific and unlikely circumstances that put our HERO/HEROINE in danger and then she has to stop them because in this world laws basically don't exist it is like the wild west, people just get shot everywhere and no cops ever find out." I'm not saying I don't enjoy that, I'm just saying that is the plot of 90s thrillers. That or something about a bus going fast I guess? I'm also not buying that Sandra Bullock never leaves home and eats lots of pizzas, and looks like herself (keep in mind this is 31 year old Sandra Bullock, so she's pretty hot). I know I don't look that good, and let's face it, I never leave my house and eat pizza all the time. I was just doing it to become beautiful! I'VE BEEN LIED TO BY HOLLYWOOD. After that you get to the ridiculous internet portion. I mean really I get that no one had the internet really and it was not our Al Gore created internet with all its Tumbos and Myplaces and Buttbooks, but the scenario concocted by this movie is especially preposterous. That being said, it grossed like 130 million dollars against its modest 22 mil budget (almost 24 million of those profits from VIDEO RENTALS OH MAN HOW GOOD IS THAT) It also spawned a direct to video sequel in 2006, and a television series. That seems like a bit much, but I guess when you look at those numbers, how can you resist really.

That's it for my adventures in PizzaLand! Join me again on Thursday, as I finally weigh in on Frozen.