Red Dawn

Does the blond girl in back look really weird in this picture?
Like a cave person or something? What happened there?

"Welcome to the home of the brave."

Welcome back to The Tagline actually! There are a lot of threats to our nation, and to our personal safety. One of the greatest ones, is a renewed red army, invading our homes and defeating our military by means of a mysterious super weapon. Why are they invading? Because they're communists man, and they hate freedom and beer and Nascars. The things that are really important get it? But have no fear because a group of teenagers with machine guns will turn the tide. Led by US Marine on leave Jed Eckert (Chris Hemsworth, so come on they have Thor, they're all set) and including such illustrious members as his brother Matt (Josh Peck, yes I shit you not, it is Josh as in the Nickelodeon show Drake and Josh, that kid) Also their buddy Robert (Josh Hutcherson, you know, Peeta from the Hunger Games, so in real good shape, he's experienced in survival) Also some girls (Adrienne Palicki, you'll see her in the upcoming GI Joe sequel, and Isabel Lucas, who I think was in a Transformers movie?) and also the son of the collaborator Danny (Edwin Hodge) who I will definitely not notice are the only two African-Americans in the entire movie. Nope I won't notice THAT at all, Racist Dawn.

Their dad does the American thing, and calls some armed
soldiers assholes while they level guns at him.

 Together these freedom fighting teens work to undermine the occupying commie-bastard forces, using insurgence tactics and approximately seven million montages to become the most lethal six civilians turned guerrilla fighters in the history of the planet Earth. Of course they can't win a war quite single handedly, so they need to have a mission, given to them by Jeffrey Dean Morgan (who his if his filmography is to be believed is a seriously bad dude, see the Losers for an example) who informs the Wolverines (that's what they call themselves because FOOBAWL) that the neo-commies have some sort of super EMP Goldeneye style weapon they used to beat the U.S. Army, and they use special phones (that just seem like landlined portable radios?) to maintain communication. Naturally securing one of these for the remaining U.S. soldiers will signify victory, and so that becomes the primary endgame. But really the movie is less about the destination, and more about the patriotism that gets you there.

Don't believe their lies, they just hate freedom!

There is so much that is either stupid, offensive, or stupidly offensive about this movie, that it is difficult to decide where to start. I guess for real starters, it is offensive, and stupid, to adapt this movie at all. I personally think that the Cold War ending was a pretty great thing. I also don't think that, if they stopped to care, the Russians would think it was very cool that we were portraying them as still just waiting DYING for the chance to kick Uncle Sam in the jewels. They help an army that includes North Korea, and together this, let's call in "Axis of Evil" is trying to destroy and subvert the American way of life. So now that we are cultivating a healthy "them vs. us" attitude towards those darned foreigners, how can we go dumber? I'll tell you how, by turning the whole production into a giant "Army of One" recruitment ad (I know Jed's a marine shut up who cares). Because I have a tough time believing that, even through hit and run tactics, about six kids and one marine can outfox a military machine that single-handedly wiped the majority of the U.S. army, Bond-Villain super-weapon or no.

"Okay Peeta, you go down there and die, so that my little
brother can move in on your girl in the sequel."

All of that is bad enough, without even getting to talk about the plot of the movie itself, which, in order to more or less encompass an entire war, happens in massively rushed, frequently montaged jumps. I know it was based on an 80s movie, but come on, nearly this entire movie is one big montage, broken up by cowboy style run and gun violence, and sentimental scenes that are so corny that even I choked on them a little. Not to mention the incredible predictability of the plot, I mean if anyone who sees this thinks Chris Hemsworth won't die they are living in a dream world. Not only does he die, but first he gets into a gunfight with Choi, the "face of the enemy" bad guy who ruthlessly gunned down Jed and Matt's father after he called Choi an asshole on a megaphone, and then a fistfight where he kills Choi, with a gun that was in a lockbox, under the desk of the office Choi was using because OMG IT WAS JED'S DAD'S FORMER OFFICE. It was possibly the least plausible action finale I've ever seen, and that's within the context of this whole ridiculous movie. After that, Jed escapes with the gang back to their hideout, where he tells Matt he did a good job, and then is almost immediately shot to death in a surprise attack. Classic, Red Dawn, simply classic.

"The force will be with you Josh, always."

 If I were going to really zoom in, this movie also showcases some really awful, shaky camera-work as well, which I assume comes from not wanting to get down choreography or something like that. Or it's possible that if you aim a camera at Josh Hutcherson your camera will just flip out, if this and The Hunger Games are any indication. The best moment in the whole movie by far is when Robert and Danny storm into a Subway, and Robert shouts, "Sandwich artist! Fill this bag with bread!" I mean, that at least was kind of funny. I think maybe the whole movie was leading up to that.

Go Wolverines!

Ultimately, this movie is an incredibly shitty, offensively propagandized, steaming piece of trash. Don't see it, I've already given away the Subway scene, so there's nothing else to enjoy here I swear! The critics and audiences agreed (the movie made 44 million against a 65 million budget). Follow their example and use your money for something else, like actually just going to Subway maybe I could really go for a sandwich right now.

Join me again on Thursday, I should be able to see Warm Bodies before then, and I'll let you know what I think!