The Hole

"School is out, Terror has begun."

Welcome to The Tagline: Part 2! Last time I explored the fucked up head of Rob Zombie, who likes making his wife do weird sex stuff on camera, which is cool I guess if that's what they're into. Today we'll be exploring the fucked up head of the most twisted individuals who exist in the world. That's right, students at British prep schools! (DUN DUN DUUUUN!) Today I'm going to be continuing my in depth coverage of movies you can watch on Netflix, with The Hole. Contrary to what it sounds like, The Hole is not a minimalist porno, rather it is a 2001 film about some prep students who get stuck... down in a hole. Well okay that's a bit of a simplification too. Starring Thora Birch as Liz Dunn (of course you all remember Thora Birch as the little sister in Hocus Pocus right? No? Enid in the Ghost World movie? Anyone?) a girl who at the beginning of the movie stumbles into her prep school covered in blood, clearly intensely messed up. She recounts to a police psychologist the story of how she and three other students locked themselves into an old bunker, so that they could have some "alone time" (i.e. do drugs and have sex. Only teenagers would find the idea of being locked in a derelict bunker appealing). This is part of Liz's efforts to draw in her crush Mark (Desmond Harrington, you probably know him better as Quinn from Dexter. Yeah how weird is that shit), and Mark's friend Geoff's efforts to bang Liz's best friend Frankie (Kiera Knightly, who was actually 16 at the time damn she's younger than I thought she was). Sounds like pretty normal teenage bullshit, until the door slams shut and doesn't open back up.

Weirdest episode of Dexter ever.
So we get a recounting of how the whole sad story transpired. How desperate for the attention of some boy, Liz arranged for her bestie Martin to lock them in a bunker, because they were all looking to hide out during a school trip/break/whatever-the-hell. Then jealousy strikes and Martin just leaves them all there, because he's a sadistic little bastard and is in love with Liz. Eventually everyone escapes, and they're all just so happy to be out and what a magical storybook ending to an almost tragic story! Oh wait did I say they all got out. SORRY HAHA THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. See we're getting this story from Liz, who we should note is the only member of this little spelunking expedition that we have seen since. She emerged covered in blood and incredibly traumatized, so one might not necessarily take her word on everything. The truth is in fact much darker, and after the first 1/3rd or so of the movie playing like an after-school special on bullying... or an episode of Degrassi, we get the real chain of events. This version contains a considerably higher volume of penises, and also Keira Knightly's boobs briefly, and remember at the time she was 16, so if you like it that could be a crime depending on where you live, make sure to check first I guess, I don't know. Also a lot more smoking and drugs. Oh and yeah the locked in thing? All Liz's idea.

And THIS is the weirdest Pirates movie ever!
So this was interesting, because the movie sort of presents itself on the poster as being a horror movie. Then the first half of the movie is NOT like a horror movie. Then the second half... kind of is? We are presented with a grisly scenario of starvation, blood, maggots and death, in a dark nightmare hole. I'm not denying that, but even then it isn't THAT grisly. I mean I guess I've spent a lot of time lately watching movies that were intensely disgusting and gory, but even from a normal perspective this movie isn't that graphic. There is also sort of a police drama angle going on where the lady cop is trying to 'get to the bottom of this' by interviewing Liz, who we are liking less and less as we learn more about her. Not because she is kind of weird, but because she is clearly a complete psychopath. Ever stop to consider why you would build a bunker that locked from the outside? That doesn't seem suspicious? Of course it does, because you aren't as gullible as the characters in this movie.

Thora is leavin' you kids in the dust.
So you have this sort of horrorish sequence, that resolves eventually (we see it in pieces over the course of the film) you have this sort of crime drama psychological thriller thing going on, that only SORT of resolves itself, and that's about all your left with. I wasn't really sure how to take the ending, the girl gets away with it I guess, even though she confessed all her crimes to the lady profiling her? I'm supposed to think no one suspects this girl surrounded by corpses, and that she's getting off because she claimed the police lady was mean to her or something. Yeah that's a pretty lame ending. This movie ended up being pieces of three different movies, none of which were especially compelling or interesting, and none of which got anything resembling a satisfying resolution. Also at no point do you see Thora Birch topless, which seems like a waste. You don't even get to see her murder her whiny friend, I feel so cheated! Long story short, I'd give this one a pass.

That's it for today boys and girls! Join me again next week, as I while away the time until a movie I even sort of give a shit about comes out.

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