Wolf Cop

Now THIS is a poster.

"Here comes the fuzz."

Hello friends, welcome back to the best part of the WHOLE fucking week, The Tagline. Every week I pick a movie out of my movie hat and talk about it. Today I venture north once again, to embrace my destiny and watch a goofy and intensely gross horror comedy film. A Canadian on... so like really really gross. This particular cinematic masterpiece was released around this time last year, and it's called fucking WolfCop. So here goes; WolfCop is about a small town police officer alcoholic, named I shit you not Lou Garou. He spends most of his day drinking and sleeping on account of he's an alcoholic and really what is happening in Canada middle of nowhere that requires a police presence. Anyway, after being cursed with lycanthropy, he becomes a werewolf, only he retains his personality (which is a drunken gunslinging maniac wolfman). He continues to perform his job as a police officer... only also he is a werewolf. I know this seems simple but... it gets weirder from there.

Come on Canada you're clearly drunk.

Okay so as anyone who has seen a single one is aware, that at least once in a werewolf movie there is a scene of graphic, blow all your budget wolf transformation. This movie also features such a scene but first...okay. So something else you should know is that Canadians love to make some seriously gross fucking movies. I think they feel like, if they don't have a scene where someone pisses blood, that they've wasted the whole movie. I don't really share their feelings, but it seems to be pretty much unanimous among directors of this particular... flavor of movie. WolfCop is no exception. Far from it, WolfCop gleefully goes all in on both accounts, providing a gruesomely gross transformation scene involving pissing blood, wolf fur, and an animatronic wolf penis. Yeah you read that right don't worry, you aren't going crazy, someone in Canada just did. Now when you go to watch this movie you'll know that at some point a robot wolf dick is going to launch a sneak attack on you, but I won't tell you when.

See? I knew it, Canada is super drunk.

I can't even claim that this was the only bizarrely gross thing that happens in this movie. Not even close to it. I think it was the grossest, but I mean, a quick glance at the Netflix preview screen will reveal to you that there is a wolf sex scene, and that is absolutely as absurd as it sounds. Is the lady he has sex with a porn actress taking a step... well sideways I guess? I can't say for sure, but signs point to yes. A steady stream of media exposure has led me to believe that all that really is important to Canadians is making media involving metal music, ladies with big tits, and really gross horror stuff, preferably all in one place (if you want to see what I mean watch Todd and the Book of Pure Evil). Healthy doses of violence are of course also essential, and there's plenty of that to go around. Sure WolfCop could just rip you in half, and chances are he probably will, but also there's a decent chance he will first shoot you with his big old revolver. Also he might quip at you, and drink some more, because as we discover, his super powers (super even when compared to other werewolves) are derived from the fact that he is a barely functional alcoholic.

Please drink responsibly people.

To give a little more detail on the plot, ole' Lou Garou becomes caught up in a plot involving a secret society that wants to use him as a sacrifice to cement their hold over the small nowhereville that they all live in. This also seems to be a theme of Canadian Horror Comedy. Now being a spooky cult making sacrifices is pretty cool and everything, but not nearly as great as them being SECRET LIZARD PEOPLE. Yeah it goes full blown Illuminati/New World Order up in Saskatchewan when the cult is discovered to be comprised of shape shifting lizard people go figure. ISN'T THAT JUST ALWAYS THE DAMNED CASE. Can't get away from those lizard people am I right? The movie is surreal and ridiculous, but that's the whole point, and if you can't get behind werewolf law enforcement, then really what CAN you stand for? The best part of WolfCop is that it is on Netflix, so if you already have that service this movie can be for your enjoyment, with no charge. Just spend the time it takes to experience the magic, and also maybe throw up a little.

If you watch this and like it, good news! There's a sequel coming in 2016, so there's something to look forward to! That's it for this week, join me again next week when I express unpopular opinions that make people want to not be my friend anymore.