Johnny Mnemonic

There's that cyber slam again.

"A pulse-pouding cyber-slam."

Now be honest, that kind of sounds like some sort of robot sex act doesn't it? Yeah I thought your silent agreement would be forthcoming, but that's beside the point! The point is that today I continue my aimless trek through the empty expanses of cyberfilms of the 90s. Today I go out of the hacker films all the way into full blast cyberpunk, with Johnny Mnemonic, a movie based on a William Gibson short story of the same name. If you don't know, William Gibson was one of the major voices of the cyberpunk sub-genre and also later of what would be known as post-cyberpunk (some of my all time favorite novels were among his later works) Johnny Mnemonic is relatively common of the genre however, and features a data courier who uses his own head for storage. Now me personally, I feel like if I were going to be a courier of stolen data who might be pursued by criminals, I wouldn't want brain to be the receptacle. I guess it guarantees that for a while my head is safe from bullets, but I feel like it sort of increases the chance of the rest of me getting torn up. At any rate, Johnny (played by the ever expressive Keanu Reeves who is 50 today, happy birthday Neo) seems less concerned with this, and more worried about getting enough money to have his implant removed. See while trafficking some guy's data is maybe lucrative, it comes at a serious cost. In this particular case, Johnny has lost all his memories of his childhood, and so is saving up to have that damage reversed, which I don't know how it's possible but apparently it is. So there's Johnny-boy's motivation, but what about the job? Well he's supposed to pick up some obviously hot merchandise from some nerds, and then carry it for them to their potential buyer. The problem is that it's way too much data, substantially more than johnny can carry safely in his noodle (I guess that isn't so surprising given the person we're talking about). Repeated warnings don't stop him from doing it anyway though, and moments later ole' Johnny is running for his life after his employers are shot to pieces and diced up by the Yakuza.

The X-Files: Fight the Future

BUT WHAT IS THE VALUE OF X?!

"One man alone cannot fight the future."

Hey gang, welcome back, today on The Tagline I decided to take my Netflix fueled habit of watching X-Files reruns over and over, and translate it to the big screen. released in 1998, Fight the Future realized the dream that all TV shows aspired to, and brought The X-Files to the big screen. For those unfamiliar, The X-Files chronicles the work of FBI special agents Fox Mulder (played by David Duchovny who has starred in the series Californication for the past 6 years) and Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson, seen most recently on the television series Hannibal) as they investigate the eponymous unsolved "X-Files" of the FBI. The cases range from instances of bizarre natural phenomena and various crypto-zoological horrors, to an over-arching alien conspiracy, that may or may not be a figment of Mulder's imagination, or an elaborate lie set up by the government to keep people off the scent of what they are ACTUALLY doing. The film, Fight the Future deals with this alien conspiracy, which had been introduced earlier in the series. The movie itself takes place between seasons 5 and 6, during a time in which they have been taken OFF the X-Files, which have been formerly shut down for a time. So how does the movie measure up?

Lost in Space

Set a course for the lame quadrant.

"Get Ready. Get Set. Get Lost."

An unfortunate choice of tagline if I've ever heard one. Hello everyone, I've returned from my week long 'vacation' (I am glad it's over, what an exhausting episode it was x_x) and back with more movie snark. With the release of Star Trek, a movie that by all reports is apparently a good film, I figured I would review a space/sci-fi movie that was NOT good, to hold you over until I can see Into Darkness. Enter Lost in Space, a film I first saw in the theater back in 1998 when I was young and foolish. So very foolish. Starring William Hurt (who regrettably we last saw on the Tagline in my review of The Host) as Professor John Robinson, a scientist leading a mission to journey for ten years in suspended animation to a distant planet, with the intention of linking Earth and this planet via companion hypergates (kind of like the mass relays in Mass Effect I guess?) so that the planet can be colonized. This is to preserve the human race, which has more or less rendered the Earth  uninhabitable from pollution (like in Avatar). The mission is obviously going to be a long (if not permanent) posting, so Prof. Robinson is travelling with his family: his wife  Maureen (Mimi Rogers) his daughters Penny (Lacey Chabert, who was in Mean Girls and provided Meg's voice for the first 13 episodes of Family Guy before Mila Kunis took over) and Judy (Heather Graham, who I don't think has cropped up in another movie I reviewed somehow) and his son Will (Jack Johnson, who did not much after that really). Also joining them is their fill in pilot Major West (Matt Leblanc, of Friend's fame) and a stow-away Saboteur, Dr. Zachary Smith (the great Gary Oldman, here playing for the bad guys).

John Carter

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen 2!

"Lost in Our World. Found in Another."

Hello my Jeddak! It's Thursday, and I didn't get to the movies yet, so instead, I will today be talking about John Carter, a film that was released last year in March, but that I only managed to see around two or three weeks ago. John Carter is based on the Barsoom novels written by Edgar Rice Burroughs, most specifically the first one, A Princess of Mars. The film centers around the eponymous John Carter (portrayed by Taylor Kitsch who is essentially an older version of his character from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, see caption below), who has recently died. His nephew reads through his journal, in an attempt to determine how he died, and this flashes us back to the beginning of the story, when Carter, prospecting in the Arizona territories, when he is arrested by a Union colonel who wants his help fighting the Apaches. Carter escapes, and in the chase finds his way to a cave he'd been searching for, because he thought there was gold there. Instead there was an alien, who he shoots and then steals his medallion, accidentally transporting him to Barsoom, which is apparently Mars. Here, because of the lower gravity and his bone density, John Carter can jump super high, and perform incredible feats of strength. In short, on Barsoom John Carter is a grade-A ass kicker. He becomes embroiled in a war between the intensely war-like Zodanga, and the less war-like, but still war-like city-state of Helium. The Jeddak (which is what they call emperors on Barsoom) of Zodanga, with the aid of the shadowy Therns, attempts to manipulate the princess of Helium Dejah (Lynn Collins, who you might remember from that really shitty Wolverine movie) into marrying him, so that he can gain control of Helium and Zodanga. Carter is aided by the Jeddak of the green Martians, Tars Tarkas (voiced by Willem Dafoe, who is actually less scary when he is a giant green alien), and together they try and save Helium, Barsoom, and also Dejah, so John Carter can hit that ka-pow!

12 Monkeys

Prepare for something FRENCH

"They're Coming."

Hey everyone, it's Tuesday, and I'm finally back for real! I have working lights and everything, so I thought that it was time for a celebration. I celebrate things by reviewing or watching Bruce Willis movies. So today I thought I'd pick pretty much the weirdest one I can think of, and talk about Twelve Monkeys. I mentioned that Looper kind of reminded me of this movie, even though it was only because their messages were so different, but there is a similar kind of structure to them. Twelve Monkeys was made in 1995, based on a French short film shot in the 1960s. It stars Bruce Willis as James Cole, a convicted criminal living in a post-apocalyptic future, where an engineered virus has forced the remains of human civilization underground. In this future, scientists have developed an imprecise form of time travel, and in order to try and earn a pardon, Cole is sent into the past, to try and gather information about the virus, and if possible obtain a sample of the original so a cure might be made. The virus is believed to have been released by a terrorist organization known as the Army of the Twelve Monkeys, and with that vague information to go on Cole is sent first to 1990, and then to 1996 around when the virus was supposed to have been released.

The Crow

Looks serious right? it is.

"In a world without justice, one man was chosen to protect the innocent."

Hello everyone, welcome back to The Tagline after my short weekend away! I did NOT give away a copy of The Crow to anyone, but now I will review it for all of you. It seems appropriate with the approach of Halloween! You see, there was a time once called the 1990s. During this time, now lost to history and left only in fable and myth, everything was super deadly serious, no matter how ridiculous it might have seemed. Paradoxically no one cared about anything, because that was super uncool. Out of this fertile bed of alternativeness sprang The Crow, a film direct by Alex Proyas, who also later directed Dark City, the first movie I reviewed on The Tagline in its current incarnation. The Crow was loosely based on a comic series of the same name, about a musician named Eric Draven (Brandon Lee) who is murdered, along with his fiance on October 30th, in a urban gothic hellscape version of Detroit (slightly worse than real Detroit).

Wild Wild West

What's not to like?

"It's a whole new west."

As promised, today I will be standing in defense of what is more or less an indefensible movie. I am not going to sit here and try and tell you that WWW should have won awards because it is an example of the art at its finest, what I'm going to suggest to you is that the failure of this movie, and the dislike that people express for it, are both somewhat mystical to me. Again this isn't because it is such a great movie. It's because as near as I can tell, it is practically the same movie as Men In Black, only in the...well the wild wild west. Now before you explode in outrage at this generalization consider a moment! A movie with Will Smith, as a smart-allecky law enforcement agent, along with his partner (Tommy Lee Jones deadpan Agent K or Kevin Kline's goofy-ass Artemis Gordon), a lady they pick up along the way (Salma Hayek as Rita Escobar in WWW and Linda Fiorentino as the morgue lady in MIB). They attempt to uncover a mysterious threat against the Earth/the United States, as directed by their gruff bearded boss (Kevin Kline again as Ulysses S Grant/ Rip Torn as Zed). This threat ends up being insectoid and could destroy the whole world/country (a giant cockroach/giant robot spider). In addition both movies feature a theme song set to the hook of an old pop song that is performed by Will Smith.

Demolition Man

No cover is better than two dudes staring at each other.

"The 21st Century's most dangerous cop. The 21st Century's most ruthless criminal."

After venting an explosive torrent of rage on Tuesday over reactions to The Amazing Spider-Man, I wanted to go back in time and talk about an artifact of the early '90s, Demolition Man! Demolition Man is a fine piece of cinema about a 'doesn't play by the rules' cop named John Spartan, who after failing to stop his nemesis Simon Phoenix (Snipes) from blowing up a whole bunch of civilians, is put into cryogenic prison. Spartan is awakened from his icy slumber after Phoenix escapes during his parole hearing, and begins to wreak havoc upon the future society of San Angeles in 2032. This society is a utopia/dystopia, where everyone is a great big sissy, and anyone who doesn't fit into the perfect vision of it's administrator Raymond Cocteau is marginalized into the sewers.

Chain Reaction

I'm not even going to type out this tagline. It's at the bottom of the picture, and it's really lame.

Who makes that face when they run?

Oh yeah, that's right, I'm starting off this week's pair of posts with this little gem from the 90s. Chain Reaction, starring Keanu Reeves as *snrk* a scientist! Not just any scientist boys and girls, this guy has discovered how to somehow use water to create free clean sustainable energy. Now I say somehow here because the movie never tells you shit about what the hell sort of machine they've created. What it looks to be is a pressure cooker, that uses electricity to create explosions. Somehow. Is it hot fusion? Cold fusion? They keep talking about frequencies. Are they attaching a radio to a boiling pot of water so they can power the world? A scientist claims at the outset that they have the means to power Chicago for weeks with a glass of water. Apparently their machine extracts the hydrogen from water, creating energy (?) and then the only residue created... is water? I'm not a really great chemist, but if you take the hydrogen out of water, I think what you have left is oxygen.

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

"Open your mind. Unlock the secret. Experience the fantasy."

Unleash a new reality? Harsh.

In 2001, something that had not happened before in film occurred. Squaresoft, under the ill-starred Square Pictures imprint, made a feature length film that was entirely computer generated. The intent at the time was that this would be the first but not last film they made, and the main character, Aki Ross, was supposed to be a recurring figure in more movies. Alas, the Spirits Within proved to be a catastrophic undertaking. It was a disaster at the box office, grossing half of the 136 million dollars that went into its production. Squaresoft took such a bath on this movie, that their pending merger with Enix almost fell through. Square wouldn't make another feature until their Final Fantasy VII film Advent Children (more on that in a bit). There is a long grocery list of reasons why this movie tanked in a massive way. I will recount some of the better ones for you now.

Prometheus

"They went looking for our beginning. What they found could be our end."

Giant Evil Head

     The much anticipated and long delayed prequel to the original Alien (which ultimately seemed to be more of a reimagining/reboot) has finally hit theatres. Was it worth the wait? Ehhhh I don't know. This movie, while visually stunning, well paced, and full of the sorts of things you'd expect from say, Alien, is just that. This movie more or less IS Alien, in every single god damned way. Only this isn't 1979, and Alien has already been made. I think viewing this as a remake is the only way to redeem it, but even then all it does is set up for a movie that maybe I'd want to watch.

Return and Dark City

After not having updated this blog for three years, I decided I wanted to again. So without further ado, let's start with a movie I liked that never got recognized for anything.

"A world where the night never ends. Where man has no past. And humanity has no future."

Looks fun, right?

For those not familiar, Dark City was a movie that came out in 1998. Without spoiling too much of the plot (the circumstances of the plot are revealed slowly over the course of the movie) a man wakes up in a bathtub, with no memories, and finds that he is being accused of committing serial murders, which his present circumstance suggests he committed. He comes to realize that the city he lives in is controlled by mysterious beings who have power over its shape. This leads him into a race to find out what's really going on in the city, and how he figures into that plan. It's a really interesting sort of plot that makes you think you're watching one kind of movie, until you realize that it is totally different.

Ice Spiders

"Where Nature Stopped. Science Evolved"

I was just sitting here writing and watching the Sci Fi channel, when this movie came on. Now I expect very bad, very corny things from ole' Sy Fy but this has got to be one of the most ridiculously cheesy movies I have ever been exposed to. As a result I will now expose you to it.

Fifth Element

"There is no future without it."

Let's get rid of that nightmare exploration in boredom and replace it with something a little classier. This movie has everything you could possibly want. Chris Tucker as a fruity pop star, Bruce Willis as a ex-military cab driver who kills people, and Gary Oldman as an evil rich guy. Also its in the future. Mostly in space and full of alieenns! Dancing, singing, Opera performing aliens. This is also a very special movie, a science fiction movie with Milla Jovovich in it that doesn't suck! Back then Ultraviolet was just a distant nightmare. Let's talk about why this is a great movie!

First off, this movie is unapologetically weird. There is a battle sequence played against a rock opera sung by a blue alien. Bruce Willis refers to himself as a 'meat popsicle' at one point, which I'm still not really clear on the meaning of. I mean, what the hell is that? xD There is some evil force trying to destroy the whole world, and it makes people drip octopus ink out of their foreheads! I don't honestly get everything that happens in this movie but the point is clear. Milla Jovovich is evidentally the '5th element' that has the power to save the whoooole universe, but to be a real girl she needs love. The kind of love that only Bruce Willis can give.

So is it 'THE RIDE' as the cover art suggests? Maybe not for everyone, but I find it has just the right mix of sort of goofy sci fi tropes, gunfights, explosions, and boobs. Also it introduces us to the marvel of future identification known only as: Multipass.