The Host

RADIOACTIVE RADIOACTIVE.

"Love never dies."

Hey everyone, welcome to another spectacular week at The Tagline! Just for you guys, I went to the movies today and watched The Host, the movie adaptation of the only Stephanie Meyer novel yet to receive a movie adaptation. The Host takes place on an Earth that has been conquered by a race of aliens called souls, who are placed into human bodies and subsume their consciousness, taking over their host body, though often retaining memories. Melanie Stryder(portrayed by Saoirse Ronan, who you may have seen either in Hannah or The Lovely Bones) is a girl who is caught by the souls,  and implanted with one called Wanderer. Despite this, she continues to resist her alien parasite, and tricks her into seeking out Melanie's surviving family and her boyfriend Jared. Over time Melanie bonds with Wanderer, and other romantic stuff happens that who really cares about them answer not me. This is Stephanie Meyer at her finest, and now I will elucidate exactly in what ways this movie is just like the Twilight movies (though admittedly there is slightly more of a plot in The Host than in most of the Twilight novels).

Nothing suspicious about wearing big dark glasses to hide
your eyes right guys?

There is a pretty interesting science fiction concept on offer here. Aliens have invaded the Earth, nearly wiping out free mankind. In addition, Earth is now at peace, so there's a big question about if on the whole the conquest of the human race isn't something we as a race earned by being awful. There's also the idea of a host who isn't obliterated, but rather develops a truly symbiotic relationship with her alien possessor, perhaps heralding a new phase in the existence of both species. None of that matters however. All that really matters of course, is THE TEENAGE LOVE THAT IS BLOSSOMING DESPITE THE END OF EVERYTHING AND IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND UNIQUE. It is not just the idea that 'love conquers all' either. It's more like... love is more important than anything else. Despite the fact that mankind is literally facing utter extinction, all I'm supposed to care about, all ANYONE seems to care about, are Melanie, her alien friend they call Wanda (because apparently wanderer is too hard to say or something) and the boys she loves.

Get ready for twice the Mary-Sue action of Twilight.

Yeah because would it be a Twilight movie without a Jacob-Bella-Edward triangle? You see while Melanie loves Jared (Max Irons, son of Jeremy Irons who like his father SHOULD KNOW BETTER) her alien passenger loves Ian (Jake Abel, who I think was in Percy Jackson, I know he was also on Supernatural) and this naturally causes lots of confused drama, and also means we get twice as many scenes where sexy young actors stare longingly at each other while delivering really cheesy dialogue about how their love is like a river or something.The ending of course has to revolve around both girls being happy and getting to be with their man, and how happy everyone is for them (though at least this movie addresses the larger conflict I'M LOOKING AT YOU BREAKING DAWN PT. 2!!)

I'll say this much, at least Ronan can act, unlike KStew.

We mustn't forget also that all these wonderful things are possible because humans are so superior to other species the souls have overrun, and also that specifically, Melanie is so unique, and so hard a fighter, and her love for guy what's-his-face is so unique, so profound, that it is unlike anything a space travelling ONE THOUSAND YEAR OLD ALIEN has ever experienced, and also she never had friends and man Melanie is just so great and magical that everyone must love her, but also wanderer is so unique and magical that everyone LOVES HER TOO OH GREAT I'M SO GLAD. I was worried that this movie might lack a singularly selfish and self-involved, childish imbecile for a main character, but neither Melanie nor wanderer disappoint much in that regard. It is also worth noting that while it's less present, there's still a good deal of consent-free kissing, abusing girls, falling in love with guys who try to murder you, and other fan favorites.

Default expressions for both characters.

There are plenty of other absurdities on offer too, and also a general lack of background. For instance, why
do the aliens have everything in chrome? is that just their favorite color? How did the initial invasion happen, and why? How did we lose, when these aliens seem incapable of lying, and opposed to murder? Why does Melanie sometimes sound like she has a southern twang to her accent? All of this would have been interesting to know instead of two solid hours of angsty lovers mooning over each other. I guess I'm relieved to see this movie was almost as vapid as the Twilight films, and I just hope that Stephanie Meyer gets back to writing soon, so I can continue to hate her work for yeaarssss to come! That's all, join me on Thursday, I promise to review something less crappy.