Troll 2

Troll squared? What are you trying to tell me.

"Be afraid... be TWICE as afraid!"

It's Thursday, and you know what that means, I've returned to haunt you with more movie reviews! Now many of you are probably at least passing familiar with today's movie, as it has been made popular at least in meme form by the internet. In particular there is one clip that frequently surfaced for a while, catching an especially shitty moment. While it is a funny clip, and certainly representative of the movie, I feel that no short length of the film can really encompass in all its grandeur the sheer insane shitty-ness of this movie. From opening credits to close this movie is sucking at 100% capacity like an industrial vacuum cleaning up a basement flooded by a burst septic system. Before I really get into the heart of the matter, I wanted to note a few things about the movie. Firstly, while the company that produced it bought the rights to Troll the first (because it experienced very mild financial success, despite also being dross) this movie has no relation to that one at all. Second, there are no trolls at any point in the movie. There are only goblins. The movie even specifically refers to them AS goblins, so that's important too. Third, the movie was produced and directed by an entirely Italian crew, and none of them spoke English, except for a set or costume designer (I don't remember which) who interpreted. Fourth, the entire cast auditioned for parts as extras, but were then cast in leading roles. Most are incredibly ashamed of this film, so I will refrain from referring to them by anything but their character names. None of them went on to anything much better anyway, so mentioning their names would only serve to further their already considerable public humiliation. Speaking of, let's talk about the movie itself.

The Adventures of Milo & Otis

Aww this will be adorable OR
EXTREMELY TRAUMATIZING AHH.

"Milo is one lucky cat. He's got nine lives and a best friend."
Hello everyone, welcome back to The Tagline! Initially it had been my plan to take some cheap shots at a crummy movie. Then, I thought to myself "hey you should do another action movie, you have a never-ending supply of THOSE" but finally, during a conversation with a friend I was reminded of this film, which sparked all sorts of long repressed emotions and is now forcing us all on a trip down the misty and fogged lane that is my distant memory. Once upon a time, there was a little boy (me) who by some turn of fate ended up with this movie on VHS (I was very little, and VHS was still a thing) and as I was wont to do with any film or anything I owned, I watched it all the time, regardless of how it made me feel, because when you are a small child you don't really think about why you are doing things too much. You just sort of do them. Oh this movie is in front of me? THEN I WILL WATCH IT OVER AND OVER. For those who do not know (until I did some basic research I did not know) The Adventures of Milo and Otis was a film originally released in Japan in 1986 as Koneko Monogatari, where it was apparently the most popular film of that year (wow.) and it was later totally revamped and released in 1989 in the US, as the Adventures of Milo and Otis, with an English voice-overs, reworked music and film etc. etc. it was a very different movie. Either way, the film follows Milo (who is a cat) and his friend Otis, as they grow up on a farm and then have adventures out in the wide world. It is tagged (as above) as a lovable joyous romp of adorable animals. See Milo, being the cat, is the one who gets into trouble and floats in a box down the river, and Otis, sensible fellow he is, follows dutifully after to try and find his friend. That sounds nice right? WRONG, THAT DESCRIPTION DOESN'T MENTION THE EMOTIONAL DESOLATION MY YOUNG HEART WAS TO EXPERIENCE.