Mercury Rising

Yeah, so it's another Bruce Willis movie.

"Someone knows too much."

Look at the boastful poster! It claims this was Bruce Willis' best film yet. That's ridiculous because it came out after all 3 Die Hards, The Fifth Element, The Jackal, 12 Monkeys and Hudson Hawk! (hahaha just kidding Hudson Hawk totally sucks ass, but those other ones I meant.) I wanted to prove to everyone, and maybe also myself, that I could provide a negative review to a Bruce Willis movie, while not having to watch or talk about Hudson Hawk in depth. This is that movie.

The Dark Knight Rises

Literally, at one point.

"The Legend Ends"

Before I even start talking about the actual movie, I feel the need to mention that just finding the poster image shown to the left required me to sift through a truly staggering number of fan-made posters, ranging from the sort of silly to the truly bizarre. Doing a little searching revealed that speculation about the cast and villains for this movie apparently really spiralled out of control, and spawned in return a variety of weird poster images, one of which I'm pretty sure had John Malkovich as Batman. But enough about how people on the internet are crazy, and on to the actual movie!

Thanks For Coming to the Movies

I wanted to thank everyone who's been visiting the site the past couple of weeks since I've started updating again. Yesterday's post marks the high point for traffic on my blog thus far, and it's really encouraging to know that people are actually reading! I'm going to be trying to add additional weekend content in addition to my regular posts in the coming months, so stay tuned!

-J

True Lies

Classic.

"When he said I do, he never said what he did."

Today I'm going to talk about one of my favorite Shwarzenegger movies, True Lies. This movie proves the rule that I will always be convinced of:; James Cameron makes good action movies. The instant he tries to stretch beyond that scope in any way, trying to make something 'significant' or dramatic, you end up with Titanic, or Avatar, two movies which I cannot express sufficient dislike for. When he isn't trying to be super deep man, He has pretty consistently produces good action flicks (Terminator 1 and 2, Aliens, and of course this movie). The best part of this movie, and the part that so many reviewers seemed to miss, is that it never stops to take itself very seriously. A lot of the complaints reviewers seemed to have at the time this movie came out dealt with the improbability of various scenes, and those people are really missing the point. The movie is action, but it's also comedy. Let's get right to it!

Red

"He's got time to kill."

Rarely Eat Dairy. Rich Elderly Dudes...

So as a means of apologizing for reminding the world about Batman & Robin, I decided to talk today about a movie that I thought was pretty cool, rather than one that was so bad that I think it made me a little bit dumber. Red was a movie that came out during the middle of the Fall season of 2010 to what can only be described as a lukewarm reception. Despite the almost complete lack of competition, Red finished out its opening weekend in second, behind Jackass 3-D of all things. my feelings about that can't be expressed in type or human language, amounting to a sort of guttural rage noise. Setting that aside, the movie did at least garner mostly positive reviews from movie sites, so I don't need to go on some rage filled hate-tirade like I've had to with some other movies that I put into the 'overlooked' category. Unlike a number of other films that would fall into this category, I don't have a great explanation for why it performed so tepidly, save that it had a nearly non-existent marketing campaign. I think maybe I saw a trailer for it at the beginning of another movie and that was it. A damn shame too.

Batman & Robin

"Strength. Courage. Honor. And loyalty. On June 20, it ALL comes together..."

I can't forget, so you don't get to either.

With two well composed, dramatic and suspenseful Christopher Nolan Batman movies behind us, and another hitting theaters later this month, it can be easy to forget that there was a time when the Batman franchise almost died, under the irresponsible care of Joel Schumacher. The sordid history of Batman as a movie franchise began in 1992, when Warner Bros decided that Batman Returns had under-grossed in theaters. For the record, Batman Returns gross 266 million dollars, which admittedly makes it the second lowest grossing batman movie to date after Batman & Robin. Also to be considered however is that Batman & Robin was made in 1998 with a budget of 125 million, whereas Batman Returns was made on a budget of only 80 million. In short, while it didn't gross nearly as well as the first Batman, it was still undeniably a financial success. (If you're wondering, The Dark Knight is estimated to have grossed in excess of a billion dollars worldwide, almost 200 million dollars more than the first 4 movies combined). Warner Bros. decided that the reason Batman Returns did so 'badly' was because it was too dark and violent. They decided that they needed a more 'family friendly' approach to Batman, resulting in the sharp turn the franchise took into Batman Forever, and the fiery crash that is Batman & Robin.

Demolition Man

No cover is better than two dudes staring at each other.

"The 21st Century's most dangerous cop. The 21st Century's most ruthless criminal."

After venting an explosive torrent of rage on Tuesday over reactions to The Amazing Spider-Man, I wanted to go back in time and talk about an artifact of the early '90s, Demolition Man! Demolition Man is a fine piece of cinema about a 'doesn't play by the rules' cop named John Spartan, who after failing to stop his nemesis Simon Phoenix (Snipes) from blowing up a whole bunch of civilians, is put into cryogenic prison. Spartan is awakened from his icy slumber after Phoenix escapes during his parole hearing, and begins to wreak havoc upon the future society of San Angeles in 2032. This society is a utopia/dystopia, where everyone is a great big sissy, and anyone who doesn't fit into the perfect vision of it's administrator Raymond Cocteau is marginalized into the sewers.

The Amazing Spider-Man

"His past was kept from him. His search for answers has just begun."

Are you ready to give this a chance?

Okay now I admit, when I first saw previews for this movie, I was pretty lukewarm about it. I'd enjoyed the first two Spider Man movies, and wasn't sure that the intentions behind this one would make for a good movie. I have read a lot of movie reviews about this movie that leverage a lot of complaints that I think are really stupid, and a few that I just think are plain wrong. So without further gilding of the lily I'm going right into it.

Brave

"Change your fate."

Look Will O'Wisps. FOLLOW THEM.

Ok after futzing around with blogger's obnoxious formatting for ten minutes I can begin! Brave, the latest effort by Pixar is set in ye olde Scotland, and when I say that I don't just mean that's where it takes place. I mean, they are not subtle about what a bunch of Scots from Scotland all the Scot characters are Scot Scot. This will probably be my biggest criticism of a movie I otherwise liked, but seriously, they were laying on the Scotland pretty thick, and did not shy away from being really stereotypical about it. Pretty much everyone in the movie is a kilt-wearing Braveheart extra, and while I grant that they're trying to keep a theme going here, I think they maybe went a little too over the top with it. Putting that aside, This movie is about Merida, who is a princess who is typically un-princesslike in disposition. She doesn't want to get married to one of three imbeciles (also not the most original thing to ever happen) so she tries to use magic to change her fate and that goes typically awry as well. It is not the world's most original tale I'll grant, but what it does it accomplishes in a charming way.

Chain Reaction

I'm not even going to type out this tagline. It's at the bottom of the picture, and it's really lame.

Who makes that face when they run?

Oh yeah, that's right, I'm starting off this week's pair of posts with this little gem from the 90s. Chain Reaction, starring Keanu Reeves as *snrk* a scientist! Not just any scientist boys and girls, this guy has discovered how to somehow use water to create free clean sustainable energy. Now I say somehow here because the movie never tells you shit about what the hell sort of machine they've created. What it looks to be is a pressure cooker, that uses electricity to create explosions. Somehow. Is it hot fusion? Cold fusion? They keep talking about frequencies. Are they attaching a radio to a boiling pot of water so they can power the world? A scientist claims at the outset that they have the means to power Chicago for weeks with a glass of water. Apparently their machine extracts the hydrogen from water, creating energy (?) and then the only residue created... is water? I'm not a really great chemist, but if you take the hydrogen out of water, I think what you have left is oxygen.