The 5 Dumbest Horror Movie Sequels

Happy Saturday everyone! Apparently the world is going to end in a horrific hellstorm for those of us living on the east coast, so I figured I should finish up my life's work today, by running down a list of the worst sequels to horror movie franchises ever. This has been my lifelong ambition. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but that is what I'm going to do today! Horror movie franchises are renowned for being not good, but some in particular take the cake. As franchises grow stale, and movie producers grow desperate to turn a dime, things take a turn for the really really dumb. These movies are all so worthless that I will list them in no particular order. They are all #1.
The 5 Worst Horror Movie Sequels

#5 Halloween Resurrection: Marking the 8th installment in the long running Halloween franchise, Resurrection was more or less a direct sequel to H20, only minus anything about that movie that was remotely viable. Resurrection starts with the more or less immediate death of Laurie Strode (portrayed by Jamie Lee Curtis). Given that she was the protagonist of more or less every other Halloween movie that didn't suck, we can safely assume that this movie is going to suck. When reality television and Busta Rhymes get involved, well the situation is clearly deteriorating quickly. The movie centers around Busta's project to host some sort of interactive webcast in immortal murderer Michael Myers' childhood home. This predictably ends in the stupid and unscary deaths of everyone involved. Highlights include Busta Rhymes karate fighting Mikey and almost winning, which is maybe the dumbest thing I've ever typed on this blog. Did I say highlights? My bad. It goes without saying that critics and audiences alike were not impressed, though it did manage a modest showing of 37 million in the box office.

#4 Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2: The sequel to the movie that more or less originated the "found footage" style of horror movie by itself, Blair Witch 2 is a prime example a movie that no one asked for or wanted, that happened anyway in a desperate bid to make more money. It sort of worked (the movie somehow grossed over 47 million dollars) but the resulting movie was an explosive piece of crap. The plot revolves around a group that sees The Blair Witch Project, and then decides to shoot their own video in the same place. That seems like a good idea right? Well it isn't, and things go badly for them. In a plot too stupid to recap, they go into the woods, forget stuff, do stuff without knowing it, some people die and a girl gets hanged as a witch. The creators of this movie clearly missed the entire point of the first, and why that movie was, I don't want to say good, but decent. Rather than being shot as found footage, the filming of this movie is very typical hollywood, and that removes any possible chance even for nostalgic charm. The best thing I can say about this movie is that it is short, running a scant 90 minutes, which will feel like approximately three full lifetimes of bad movie. It is also worth noting that this movie has a horrendous soundtrack, including songs from Nickelback, P.O.D. and Godhead! Ouch Blair Witch 2.

#3 Freddy Vs. Jason: If you are a discerning consumer of visual media, you should realize before anything else that you're in trouble with this title, because it has 'vs.' in it. There has never been a good movie made in the history of Hollywood that contains those three characters. Generally speaking these movies include some of the absolute worst movies ever made. This might not be the worst, but it is a total piece of shit, and is also a generally dumb idea for a movie. The setup is that Freddy is losing his power because people just aren't scared of him anymore. To make them scared again, he resurrects Jason, who is scary. The only problem is, Jason is TOO GOOD AT IT, and starts poaching on Freddy's hunting ground. This results in a showdown between the two scare masters, and now I've reached a new milestone for dumbest words I've ever typed. Tonight I'm just on a role! This film actually garnered mixed reviews, because some critics decided that there could possibly be a demographic that found this movie good. They were unfortunately right, and Freddy Vs. Jason grossed over 87 million. That just makes me sad.

#2 Jason X: Speaking of Jason, the next movie also features the hockey mask wearing serial murderer. Only this movie takes place mostly in the year 2455, on Earth Two, because the original has become too polluted, and apparently people in the future aren't very creative. A handful of future students with dumb names go on a space ship field trip, and recover the frozen remains of a doctor and Jason from the Crystal Lake Facility (hur hur get it like in the original... nevermind). They cleverly reanimate the frozen doctor, but presume Jason dead. He is of course not dead, and resumes his murderous rampage, only now he is augmented by a future medical station into CYBERFUTURE JASON. The movie proceeds like any other slasher, only in the future. Jason kills some people, some space teens have sex and then Jason murders them too. Eventually some stuff with exploding space ships happen and well... the point is the plot is really dumb. The movie grossed less than any other Jason movie to date, 16 million against its almost 15 million dollar budget. I personally think they should feel grateful to have gotten that. Hopefully the population of Earth Two will be smart enough not to make anymore Jason movies.

#1 Leprechaun 4: in Space: You read right gang. Moving the scenery to space in a non sci-fi horror franchise is always a mark of desperation, but when you do it in a series that was stupid to begin with, well the results are so bad that it's almost amusing. Almost. Following up the inspired Leprechaun in the Hood, Leprechaun 4 involves a space princess, the leprechaun with a lightsaber, space marines, and an evil cyborg named Dr. Mittenhand. I'm not sure what else I can say that can more fully elucidate how stupid of a movie this is, because just listing those things I think pretty much sums it up. This film enjoys a 0% approval rating on RT, and I think that not giving it some negative number is generous. The film was shot of a 1.6 million dollar budget, which makes me feel sad that they did not pay Warwick Davis a king's ransom to star in this horrific shitfest.

I have nothing else to say today! I'll see you all on Tuesday, when I will Review the new Silent Hill movie, which I saw yesterday!

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