Cool as Ice

Okay, this situation is starting to really get grisly. I mean what am I supposed to do, go see THE NINJA TURTLE MOVIE? That doesn't seem like an awesome life choice, and I just hope it doesn't come to that. Not that their weird little Shrek ears aren't endearing or anything I just... if Vanilla Ice isn't in the movie then really what's the point. Hmm... okay, fuck it, since I'm grasping around for ideas about a movie to talk about, and now I'm thinking about Vanilla Ice, let's just commit and do this thing...

...oh good god this is the worst tagline ever.

"When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice."

COOL AS ICE

Oh Ice, don't give me that come hither look.

I think I just had an aneurysm... yeah so today I'm going to be digging around in the septic tank, and raising up one of the corpses of the benighted past. As many of you probably don't know, because god why WOULD you, Vanilla Ice was in a movie that was NOT the second TMNT movie, and that was this movie, a 1991 fever dream that was developed as a vehicle for Ice to capitalize on his popularity. Everyone stopped, collaborated and listened, so that Cool as Ice would get its moment in the spotlight (albeit a brief moment, three weeks in the box office). Starring in a film that bears a surreal resemblance to the plot of The Wild One (and the two leads are named after the protagonists of that film), only with lame rappers instead of actual bikers, Vanilla Ice is Johnny, who is basically just Ice only named something else.While I am describing this movie to you I just want you to keep this one detail in your mind: Vanilla Ice was paid one million dollars to appear in this movie. Got that locked into your mind's eye? Good. So imagine Vanilla Ice performing with his stupid hair, in the kind of dark with dangling light bulbs warehouse dance club that could only exist in a bad 1991 movie world. Everyone thinks that Vanilla Ice is super cool, and also sexy somehow. Now imagine him finishing his terrible opening number, and riding away with his "crew" on a giant, bright yellow motorcycle, headed for nowhere in particular, because apparently they are maybe homeless. They never really explain that. Anyway, one of the lame bikes breaks down, so the group is delayed while it's left at a local repair shop, run by two old folks. Also Johnny and his friends apparently decide to occupy the home of these people, like an invading army with really stupid uniforms.

Mmm yeah gurl, gimme some o dat denim suga.

Enough about actual details though, what really matters is that JohnnyIce sees a girl riding a horse, and decides that its time for this good girl to learn all about what it means to be (in a)bad(movie). We know that she is a giant nerd because she was witnessed being a school liking loser on tv for writing an essay about how much she likes homework or something. I don't fucking know. The only thing standing between Johnny and his dream girl Kathy (other than good sense on her part) is her boyfriend Nick, who is admittedly the only person in the movie who is an even bigger dickbag than Johnny, because he is verbally and physically abusive (quoth Ice "Drop the zero, get with the hero"). Johnny pulls a move that Edward Cullen will one day put in his playbook, and shows up unannounced in Kathy's bedroom to take her on a magic carpet ride, by which I mean a neon yellow motorcycle ride. This event confirms that watching you in your bedroom is not a cool thing for a guy to do, in case anyone still needed that confirmation. Kathy's father Gordon (Michael Gross, perhaps best known for portraying Burt Gummer the survivalist nutjob from Tremors) is understandably not thrilled about her hanging out with Ice, because he is a motorcycle riding drifter who is a massive tool. Also he's nervous because apparently he is hiding under a false identity to hide from career criminals who want to murder him because he used to be a cop and testified against them. That's consistent with the tone of the movie right? Sure it is shut up.

Look at this dope ass crew.

So naturally its up to Johnny and his funky fresh dope ass street cred experience to save the day when the...mobsters(?) kidnap Kathy's little brother, who regrettably seems to look up to Johnny, and probably is a drugged up hobo now as a result. After that as near as I can tell Kathy runs away with Johnny, a decision that she will no doubt regret almost immediately thereafter, when the movie ends and Vanilla Ice isn't famous anymore, and is being sued by David Bowie. This movie is definitely something you need to experience for yourself to really understand how... surreal it is, but I don't think anyone is confused as to why it is terrible. I want everyone to imagine how the world might've been different though, because Gwyneth Paltrow was considering the roll of Kathy, but her father had the good sense not to let her do that. Where do you think Gwyny would be now if she HAD taken the role? I mean, Shallow Hal was a terrible movie, but it was no Cool as Ice, I can tell you that much.

If you hate yourself like I hate MYSELF, watch Cool as Ice, and witness a dark moment in history. That's it for today, join me next week for more antics.

Break it down Ice.