Mirror Mirror

It was strangely challenging to find an
English poster for this movie.

"The Snow White legend comes alive."

Hello everyone, welcome to a new day at The Tagline! Today, since the Lone Ranger just came out, but I am too cheap to go see it because I anticipate it sucking ass, I thought I could revisit Armie Hammer's recent cinematic past (also his name... is that really his name?) by talking about Mirror Mirror. For those who recall, I reviewed the other recent movie about Snow White, Snow White and the Huntsman, when it was released but I never got around to seeing Mirror Mirror, which came out around the same time. While Snow White and The Huntsman favored a darker interpretation of the age old story, that was nonetheless ploddingly paced and unevenly acted, Mirror Mirror favors a more colorful aesthetic. Starring Lily Collins as Snow White (See her and her eyebrows here as well alongside Taylor "I can't act" Lautner) and Julia Roberts as the wicked queen who oppresses the kingdom, Mirror Mirror offers its own variation on the oft told story of Snow White. In this particular instance... well things are about the same as they are in other Snow Whites. A widower king is bewitched by a very nasty lady, who takes over after his convenient disappearance and treats the princess, Snow White, not so nicely, and eventually decides she has to die because she's in the way. In particular, Julia Roberts the evil queen plans to marry the handsome and rich prince of Valencia Alcott (that would be Armie Hammer) and to make sure there are no road blocks there she sends her lackey Brighton (Nathan Lane) to kill her in the woods. Naturally he doesn't and she takes up with a bunch of bandits who are actually dwarves (seven of them go figure) who teach her to sword fight and be sassy or what-have-you, and she resolves to retake the kingdom from Julia Roberts, who no surprise is not a great ruler, on account of she is a vain and evil witch (literally of course).

Abduction

I'm not even sure what's happening here,
like, is he hanging there like Spider-Man?
This does not happen.

Hey everyone, it's Monday night, soon to be Tuesday, and I decided that I wanted to hurt myself last night, so I did it the best way I knew how, by watching Abduction. For those not familiar, while Taylor Lautner had some free time between Twilight movies, and so thought that he would be in another movie. Taylor had made perhaps the understandable mistake of believing that he was a real actor, what with the money he was doubtless receiving for his just FANTASTIC work as abusive boyfriend numero dos for Bella (If you've somehow evaded all knowledge of Twilight, Taylor Lautner plays Jacob in the Twilight movies). So Abduction was made, a film he stars as Nathan, a sort of bro-ish dope who lives in upper-middle class suburbia, and has a crush on a girl with just...wild eyebrows. Like whoa (more on that later). One day, while doing a project with her, they find a picture on a missing persons site that looks just like him, as a little kid. They contact the person running the site, and then people come to murder his parents. He flees with his almost girlfriend (her name is Karen, she's played by Lily Collins) and tries to figure out why men with guns are chasing him, and also the CIA apparently. While he does that, I try to figure out why I possibly give a shit.