I'm not even sure what's happening here,
like, is he hanging there like Spider-Man?
This does not happen.
Hey everyone, it's Monday night, soon to be Tuesday, and I decided that I wanted to hurt myself last night, so I did it the best way I knew how, by watching Abduction. For those not familiar, while Taylor Lautner had some free time between Twilight movies, and so thought that he would be in another movie. Taylor had made perhaps the understandable mistake of believing that he was a real actor, what with the money he was doubtless receiving for his just FANTASTIC work as abusive boyfriend numero dos for Bella (If you've somehow evaded all knowledge of Twilight, Taylor Lautner plays Jacob in the Twilight movies). So Abduction was made, a film he stars as Nathan, a sort of bro-ish dope who lives in upper-middle class suburbia, and has a crush on a girl with just...wild eyebrows. Like whoa (more on that later). One day, while doing a project with her, they find a picture on a missing persons site that looks just like him, as a little kid. They contact the person running the site, and then people come to murder his parents. He flees with his almost girlfriend (her name is Karen, she's played by Lily Collins) and tries to figure out why men with guns are chasing him, and also the CIA apparently. While he does that, I try to figure out why I possibly give a shit.

For real those are some serious eyebrows man. 
One of those questions proves easier to answer than the other. Apparently Nathan was not adopted, but rather put into protective custody by the CIA, because his dad was some deep cover agent, and they wanted to keep him safe from bad guys because his dad stole some list that the guy from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo wants (yes they conned Michael Nyqvist into being in this movie). Nathan is aided in his escape by his therapist, who is Sigourney Weaver, and also a CIA agent apparently. Nathan's life is really complicated though, because he is followed not just by a bad guy, but also by CIA middle management in the form of Agent Burton, portrayed by Alfred Molina (there are really an unreal number of successful actors in this piece of trash, Jason Isaacson is Nathan's dad).

Look at Taylor, pretending like he can act. ADORABLE.
The flight of Karen and Nathan is unremarkable, by the numbers action fare, neither original nor entertaining. In a film with so many good actors, you are tragically stranded for most of the run time with no one but Lily Collins, Taylor Lautner, and the turgid dialogue that they share. I guess if I was a 12 year old girl/47 year old mom, I would be excited to see all this hot Jacob action, but then again wouldn't I be furious that he was cheating on Bella with the girl from Mirror Mirror? I guess that's one of those tough existential questions we may NEVER have a satisfactory answer for. The bottom line is, this movie does nothing well, and nothing new, and the bad, unoriginal things it does are done very poorly, even by generous standards.

Go Pirates, I guess! (god look at his dumb face)
Highlights from this film include Jason Isaacs beating the holy hell out of Taylor early on in the movie (you may best know Mr. Isaacs as Lucius Malfoy, or the bad guy from The Patriot). Low points include more or less the entirety of the movie, especially any scene where Lily Collins and Taylor Lautner are making out, which they find time to do despite the fact that trained killers are constantly finding them and trying to murder them. I guess I should admire their dedication to teenage hormones, but there is literally a make-out scene like two minutes before a scene where a guy threatens to cut Karen's finger off with a cigar cutter. Man, high school sure is an emotional roller coaster, am I right, or am I right?

UNF those eyebrows.
While I was not being engaged by the plot, I had a lot of time to think. Mostly what I thought to myself was... why is this movie called Abduction? Remarkably, despite the fervent efforts of trained killers and spies, no abductions take place at any point in the film. Perhaps some people are ATTEMPTING to abduct Nathan, and the site he visits might have contained abducted children, but he himself, has never been abducted, and no one else is during any point in the movie. So I think the big question here is WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ABDUCTION?

I guess in the end it doesn't matter, because this movie is too shitty for anyone to care anyway. The long and short is, don't watch movies with Taylor Lautner in them. Probably not with Lily Collins either. Alfred Molina you're probably safe with. That's it for today! A shortage of desire to see Man of Steel means you are all increasingly in peril of me reviewing Street Fighter, which I watched last night. See you Thursday!

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