Resident FUCKING Evil

I'm going to try and stay calm. Try.

"A secret experiment. A deadly virus. A fatal mistake."

Yeah, that's the God's honest truth man. Let me clear those things the FUCK up.

"George Romero writes a script to Resident Evil. Paul W.S. Anderson writes one too. They scrap Romero's script and go with the much more idiotic one."

So let's talk about that. We can assume, from the title, that Resident Evil is a movie based on a long lived, and relatively acclaimed game series of the same name, which basically started the survival horror genre of video games. Sounds ok so far. Video game movies aren't exactly known for being... less than the worst crap ever, but still, we can be hopeful. Then, something that is similar to God reaching down and slapping Hitler in the face happened. Capcom and Sony Greenlit a Resident Evil movie with GEORGE FUCKING ROMERO writing the script. For those of you just joining us on the planet earth, George Romero is the man responsible for Night of the Living Dead, and the subsequent movies. That's right, the guy who gave us the modern zombie movie, and also the premise around which THE ORIGINAL RESIDENT EVIL GAME WAS BASED. This could still go bad if the script didn't really follow the game. I mean, Romero is known for his movies having strong social commentary in the undertones, maybe he'd go overboard with that? No kid, he wrote a script based around the Arklay Mansion incident, which was the basis of the first game. It included Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine as the main characters (same as the game) and such characters as Barry Burton, Ada Wong, Rebecca Chambers and Albert Wesker (All of whom were present during these events in the game). This sounds great from where I'm sitting. But no. That movie never did, and never will happen. Why? According to the Capcom producer, "Romero's script wasn't good. So Romero was fired".

Well la dee fucking da. I'm not ruling out that possibility, but if the final movie directed by Anderson is a reflection of what they think is good well maybe Romero's script was the best script ever written. Let's talk about that. Instead of the earlier mentioned script, we get that world viewed through the lens of a TOTAL MORON. There's still a mansion, only it has a ABSURD JOKE CITY UNDERNEATH IT. Ok Resident Evil is replete with shit like that, so we can forgive it. Umbrella still controls this facility. Fair enough. All the original characters are axed.

um... ok.

Instead we have Alice. Milla Jovovich is Alice, a lady who wakes up in said mansion, which is not actually all that big. She has no memory and everything is dreeeaammlike. She accompanies a team of the Umbrella Corporation's Commandos into their compromised facility, along with some other guy who also doesn't remember who he is. The facility is controlled by a evil little girl hologram computer... thing, called Red Queen. You guys following this clever subtext? ALICE IN WONDERLAND IF YOU ARENT GETTING IT. So the team enters, seemingly totally oblivious to what the hell is going on in this place, and they meet some zombies. Like 8 million of them. In the ensuing sequences, some of the dumbest crap happens. These guys suffer from the standard 'no one in a zombie movie ever saw a zombie movie' problem.

"hey Im rough and tumble latina michelle rodriguez. Theres a survivor!"

-obvious zombie-

"Fuck she bit me!"

-surrounded by zombies-

"Im the stupid team captain, AIM FOR THEIR KNEESSS"

I'm not kidding he really gives that suicide order. Way to go champ. Then plot twist WOO Alice and other Amnesia Guy were both working for Umbrella! Only Alice was gonna betray evil Umbrella, and Other Guy was going to kill her. Slowly they remember, and then he tries to screw everyone over. Only he dies cause he's a jerk. Everyone slowly dies over the course of the movie, except for Alice, and cop Matt Anderson, who's looking for his sister in some demented inverse Ada Wong situation. The one guy who almost survives, struggling all the way, BAM killed by a licker right at the end of the movie. Super time guys, glad we were waiting for the end of the movie so he could be killed like a punk. That's how I felt at the end of the movie to be honest. sort of like this:

Ouch.

     Thanks a lot fot the awesome movie guys. I had a great time, and an even better time imagining the great movie that could have not involved half an alice in wonderland allegory, part of a 2001: a Space Odyssey reference, and a lot of supremely dumb plot. A+ assholes.

100 Sad Little Hits

I've been watching my analytics like a hawk, and I see the number of hits has finally stumbled bleary eyed over the 100 mark! Thanks to the people who visit my site! All like, 6 of you xD

Ponyo

"Welcome To A World Where Anything Is Possible"

Fishy Fishy in the sea.

      They aren't kidding either. This is a world where anything can and does happen!  This is the story about a little boy, who meets a little fish, that becomes a little girl, and her dad is Liam Neeson, a magical sea wizard. This boy lives on a terrifying cliff near the ocean, with his mom, who I suspect was actually a street racer. It is very possible she was a character in Initial D that I forgot, I'm not ruling out that possibility. Anyway, this movie focuses mostly on the Sosuke finding Ponyo, and the ensuing adventures they have. This movie is the world viewed through the lens of happy magic, but lets not miss out on how frightening this movie would be otherwise.


     A huge deathstorm strikes around where Sosuke lives, which is incidentally next to the freaking ocean. So that's cool. When I say he lives next to the ocean, I mean on a cliff right next to it. So after the storm calms down a bit, Sosuke's mom decides its cool to leave a strange girl from the ocean and her son, who is about 5, and to rush off into the storm. When Sosuke and Ponyo awake, she is still gone, and the whole of the surrounding land is submerged in water. Water full of terrifying Cambrian aged sea creatures, brought back by the sea wizard who wanted to wipe out mankind (but changed his mind halfway through the movie). Well I guess this is a Miyazaki happy movie, so an ending that turns the planet into waterworld is probably unlikely. 


      Visually this movie is soothing and very pretty. The hand drawn scenes are something you really notice and appreciate over the maybe cleaner, but more... empty looking computer drawn animations. You can expect lots of cute moments and a lot of beautiful art out of this movie, but don't expect profound introspection or anything. Just a movie about a kid who falls in love with a fish girl.

A different fish girl.

New Moon Trailer 3: Pectoral Party

So while I was looking at new movies that are out this week, I saw this new trailer for the next movie in the TWILIGHT SAGAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa. behold: The Magic.

       This trailer tells me that good times are on the horizon. Kristin Stewart is looking to still be in top form, and she comes complete with her own pack of badly CGd wolves! I think the thing that struck me most though was the number of topless, rippling dudes in this trailer. They managed to pack like 400 Calvin Klein ads worth of topless man into something like two minutes of video footage. I'll give them this much, the promo guys seem to have a clean grasp of their target demographic. Still I think it makes for an interesting view of this movie. Will we be graced with an almost entirely topless movie? Will any girls be topless? Probably not, but there did seem to be more flesh bared in this trailer than in the entirety of the first movie. I anticipate another 1-2 hours of terrific acting, great directing, and general quality cinema. Three cheers to Stephanie Meyer for brightening up another movie season for me.

Mystery Men

"They're not your average superheroes."

Look at this cover. Good times will ensue.

   Mystery Men is a fine example of a movie that never even sort of had a chance of being successful (I'm not saying I don't like it. I do a lot). This is a movie, that looks like it was made for tv, based on comics that were largely unheard of. Most people I know who have seen this movie aren't even aware that its based on a comic at all. Despite the cruddy and dated CG effects, and the utterly goofy tone the movie strikes, this has a lot to offer. This is for instance one of the few movies I can think of that features Ben Stiller prominently without me wanting to never watch the movie ever. It is also the second greatest use of Kel Mitchell (the first is obviously Good Burger).  There are lots of great moments to experience. Paul Reubens being humped by a skunk for instance, or watching Greg Kinnear die!


      It is true that these are not your average superheroes. As a matter of fact, they aren't super at all. One guy hits stuff with a shovel. he shovels well. Another throws forks and speaks in a british accent. Paul Reubens farts at people. I think more than anything this movie gives a good retrospective. Mystery Men hit in 1999, one year before the first X-Men movie, and it shows. We are living in a movie climate that is dominated by and large by remakes, and more importantly movies based on cartoons and comic books. They made a movie based on the Watchmen, and it was the most hugely serious, raging comic erection-fest I have ever born witness to. If someone had tried to make a Watchmen movie before X-Men, I'm not saying it would be Mystery Men, but I think that a lot of people would have treated it like it was. By the same token, I think that Mystery Men would have been a much different movie if it were made now.

How could you not love a movie with disco thugs?

      I think we should all be grateful it was made when it was though, because otherwise we might have been deprived of certain gems such as a gang of disco thugs who work for a supervillain, lead by a dude with an afro. Cmon, tell me you aren't afraid of this guy!

Spotlight: Movie High School

Is anyone ever in class?

So this is a little bit different from my normal entries, but I was watching Charlie Bartlett and a thought occurred to me. What the fuck is up with movie high schools? I mean, maybe this place really exists, but  I've never been there. In movies, there's always parking right the hell in front of school, and people seem to show up around like noon. Everyone is hanging around outside, and there are lots of places for them to hang out in. Actually it seems like all most everyone does is fucking hang around outside. Now at my school, I actually did get there about a half hour early, because that was when my mom dropped me off. I sure as hell didn't hang around outside though. Two good reasons spring to mind. 1) Most of the school months are pretty cold. 2) it was 6:45 in the morning, so even if it wasn't winter, it was still pretty damned cold. There was a handful of burnouts hanging around sneaking smokes, but mostly they were hanging out away from the school itself. Inside, those people there before school started were grabbing late breakfast, or hiding in the library napping before class started
.
      Speaking of people driving, all students also seem to be seniors. There are no 13 year olds who look like they should be in elementary school, there are just rebellious looking quirky seniors freaking everywhere.  They spend their time just hanging out and not doing anything else except maybe bullying other kids, or giving therapy and drugs to other students while hanging out in the boys bathroom (see the above picture).
     
This isn't the best part though. By and far the best part of movie high school is the raging parties and better yet SUPER COOL SCHOOL DANCES. These dances all feature tons of kids dancing, which is how you know it isn't a real dance. Better yet, these are carefully designed elaborately lit dances, with live

Man, my school got screwed for prom.

performances usually by relatively practiced acts. Sometimes these are even FAMOUS PEOPLE. Well I obviously went to the wrong fucking school. My prom was held at a hotel, not in a huge dance club palace where a whole bunch of bands performed live. I'm thinking about complaining to my local board of ed about how i never received any of the things movies tell me I should have. Like a parking space in the school parking lot. I had to park across the street. Bastards.

Twilight

"When you can live forever what do you live for?"

I wish he just jumped into the river and never surfaced.

Evidentally, you live for repeating high school forever and dating girls who are a century younger than you. Doubtless you've already heard plenty about this movie. I'm late to the party, but I couldn't pass up the chance to say a few things about what a spectacularly hilarious movie this was. Without trying, this movie had me shaking with silent laughter in the theatre, laughter that then became quite audible. I'm asking myself where exactly I should start. Wisdom might dictate some cheapshots at the source material, but I don't think that's really necesary. Suffice it to say, girl moves to new place, girl starts school and meets boy, boy is vampire. luvs ensue lolz.

      Now that we've gotten that thrilling setup out of the way, I can talk about the movie itself. Catherine Hardwicke directs, and if you haven't heard of her, that's because this is one of maybe three movies directed. This is to her credit, as this movie is composed like a high school A/V project. Now I don't think movies need to jump around at the speed of light, but the scenes in this movie slog on and on for agonizing minutes, while the characters do what barely qualifies as interacting with the most awkward dialogue possible. Bella is the most appalling Mary Sue character imaginable, a pale sort of standoffish girl who for some reason has a billion friends, and as many boys trying to be her boyfriend. The rest of the characters are equally cookie cutter. But what about the actors portraying them? surely they must have some redeeming qualities.

This is her expression. Forever.

Well... no not really. The only actor in the movie who seemed to act like a real person, and not a incredibly simplified and stupid caricature of a person, was Billy Burke, who plays Bella's dad Charlie. Now this might be because Charlie is a generally laconic fellow who doesn't appear too much, but I think that he is generally a likeable guy, albeit not very interesting. Robert Pattinson does a reasonably bad job, but I forgive him because of his open contempt for the whole project. Kristen Stewart delivers the performance you'd expect, what with her being a completely zoned out weed fiend. One particular quirk of hers that I really enjoyed was her method of emoting. Whenever Kristin thinks it's time to show emotion, then what it's actually time for is lots and lots of blinking.In particular there is one scene very near the end of the movie where she suffers some sort of verbal seisure, which is accompanied by the most furious bout of blinking I have ever borne witness to.

    So I've explained why the movie is bad, but why go see it? It's the seriousness with which this movie executes its absurdities that makes it entertaining to watch. Marvel at subtle questions you might have, like why it isn't creepy to Bella that some hundred plus year old bloodsucker watches her sleep at night, or how stupid a whole scene devoted to vampire baseball is! If you can live forever, is this really the best you can do?  Dazzle high school girls in Gloomville, Washington?