|I wish he just jumped into the river and never surfaced.|
Now that we've gotten that thrilling setup out of the way, I can talk about the movie itself. Catherine Hardwicke directs, and if you haven't heard of her, that's because this is one of maybe three movies directed. This is to her credit, as this movie is composed like a high school A/V project. Now I don't think movies need to jump around at the speed of light, but the scenes in this movie slog on and on for agonizing minutes, while the characters do what barely qualifies as interacting with the most awkward dialogue possible. Bella is the most appalling Mary Sue character imaginable, a pale sort of standoffish girl who for some reason has a billion friends, and as many boys trying to be her boyfriend. The rest of the characters are equally cookie cutter. But what about the actors portraying them? surely they must have some redeeming qualities.
|This is her expression. Forever.|
So I've explained why the movie is bad, but why go see it? It's the seriousness with which this movie executes its absurdities that makes it entertaining to watch. Marvel at subtle questions you might have, like why it isn't creepy to Bella that some hundred plus year old bloodsucker watches her sleep at night, or how stupid a whole scene devoted to vampire baseball is! If you can live forever, is this really the best you can do? Dazzle high school girls in Gloomville, Washington?