"Where Nature Stopped. Science Evolved"
I was just sitting here writing and watching the Sci Fi channel, when this movie came on. Now I expect very bad, very corny things from ole' Sy Fy but this has got to be one of the most ridiculously cheesy movies I have ever been exposed to. As a result I will now expose you to it.
Take a moment to absorb this masterpiece before I move on. Got it? Ok good. This movie is apparently about a secret government lab, nestled right near a ski resort, where scientists have for some reason, been engineering giant killer spiders with the magic of 'genetic tinkering and cell grafts' to quote hot black doctor girl. This process is ambiguously remarked to be 'saving lives' though they never even attempt to justify how or why making huge killer spiders would save anyone's life. These spiders apparently take great zest in tackling, chewing on, and dismembering their victims which doesn't make ANY KIND OF SENSE IF THEY"RE SPIDERS BUT OK WHATEVER. Have no fear though, cool dude ski guy who sort of looks like Bill Paxton is here to save the day... sort of. The movie is host to some of the worst CG, dumbest premise, and most horrendous lines I have ever been subjected to, and between you and me, that's saying something. There is one moment where 'Dash' the ski savior is tossed a mounted deer head, kills a spider, turns to doctor girl and goes "nice rack doc". The whole movie is filled with acting of this quality and lower.
In spite of all of this quality business, what I find intriguing most of all is that they feel the need to emphasize that they are RESISTANT TO THE COOOOLLLDDD. Is that really what we're worried about? Not that they are hyper aggressive genius spiders the size of large dogs that will eat you? No we're scared because they DON'T MIND SNOW.
This movie shows me how dedicated those Sy Fy gents are to the new tagline they've been using about their 'new higher standard of entertainment.'
ITS COMING BACK!!! THE BLAAACKKKK WIDOWWWWW
P.S. I just got to the point in the movie where they explain how they made these spiders. They were created by splicing the genes of normal spiders with the genes of fossilized prehistoric spider DNA that the army found in a mountain in AFGHANISTAN! They apparently did this so they could make super silk armor or something. Best idea ever guys... I guess you didn't see Jurassic Park? Or any movie ever? Obviously not.