THE Top 5 Worst Roles of Nicolas Cage
|This is the only face Nicolas Cage ever makes.|
#5)Ghost Rider: That's right, we are moving downward from Ghost Rider. Ghost Rider is the best thing happening in this post. For that I am truly sorry. Based on the Marvel comics character of the same name, Ghost Rider is a movie about Johnny Blaze, a stunt rider who sells his soul to the devil so that his father's cancer would be cured. Like all deals with the devil, Johnny gets screwed, and then years later Mephisto (see the devil) returns, demanding that Johnny fulfills his contract by acting as his bounty hunter, the ghost rider. He does so, squaring off against Blackheart, Mephisto's son, who seeks to empower himself so he can make Earth hell or something. The movie features some Grade D Nick Cage acting, a variety of lame effects, and a bunch of characters that are as cliched as they are uninteresting. That being said, the plot is simple and to the point, and there is a flaming-skulled biker on a motorcycle. So that's pretty good. Despite how dumb it was, Ghost Rider also grossed very well, 228 million against a 110 million dollar budget.
|Behold the dignity. The austere poise of Mr. Cage.|
#4)G-Force: Once again, here we have the smash Jerry Bruckheimer action hit G-Force, about a team of animated secret agent rodents, mostly guinea pigs, fighting against sinister forces. Nicolas Cage here plays a star-nosed mole named Speckles, who act as the cyber-intelligence for the team. I don't think I need to explain why this movie is on the list. Movies about CG animals are almost categorically bad. I don't care if Jerry Bruckheimer directs them. He directed Kangaroo Jack too, and I might never forgive him for that. There might be exceptions to this rule, but none spring readily to mind (note that movies about cartoon animals are generally fair game. It's when you mix in live action actors with talking CG animals that you generally end up with Alvin and the Chipmunks). I guess Nick's only real culpability here is that he actually decided to be in this movie. For shame sir, for shame.
|Wow Nick, those are some cool shades you have there.|
#3)Drive Angry: Nicolas Cage can't seem to get away from playing roles where he is from hell, being chased by the devil and his agents. Drive Angry features this theme which maybe Nick thought was his real life after he starred in Ghost Rider. Drive Angry then is about a guy named John Milton (groan) who breaks out from Hell to kill some cult leader that tricked his daughter into joining his cult, killing her and planning to use his granddaughter in a Satanic ritual. Milton is joined along the way by white trash Piper (Amber Heard, most recently in the Rum Diary). The movie is stupid, offensive, loud, and full of senseless shit happening that I can't always give good explanation for. It also manages to be pretty boring in some parts. Also Milton uses a gun called Godkiller, which made me feel like maybe I was playing some sort of extreme action video game instead of watching a movie starring Nicolas fucking Cage. When I saw the previews for this movie, I had not an inkling it was full of supernatural shit, so that came as a real surprise. That was unfortunately the only surprise. Drive Angry did pisspoor in the box office, grossing 28 million against its 50 million dollar budget.
|You'd like to think there's an explanation for this and |
there is. Nicolas Cage is a lunatic.
|The only thing dangerous is that ridiculous wig.|
And that's it! There are plenty of other stupid and crazy movies that Nicolas Cage starred in, but these were the worst in my opinion. Join me on Tuesday, when I talk about The Possession, a movie that does not have Nicolas Cage in it.
|It's gonna get a little gross.|