The Top 5 Worst Bruce Willis Movies
#5) Last Man Standing(1996): The number five movie on this list isn't even that bad, but I promise, things will get much worse as I go on. Last Man Standing was an action movie that was a spiritual remake of the Akira Kurosawa film Yojimbo (previously remade as A Fistful of Dollars starring Clint Eastwood) The movie is about a mysterious gunman who enters into a war between two feuding bootlegger outfits in prohibition era Texas, ultimately siding with neither. It is without apologizing a movie entirely about gun violence, and it does that quite well. Despite solid action (I honestly sort of like this movie, especially because it is a remake of Yojimbo) the movie falls flat in between action sequences, with characters that are ultimately uninteresting, including the mysterious Yojimbo stand-in (played by Bruce Willis). That is the most damning thing I can say about this movie: In a genealogy of fantastic action movies, this ends up being the least of the three. Last Man Standing didn't recoup its 67 million budget, making only 47 million in the end of its theatrical run.
#4)Tears of the Sun(2003): Number four on the list suffers from the opposite problem. Tears of the Sun is a movie starring Bruce Willis as the leader of a Navy SEAL team that is charged with extracting a U.S. national and several other key persons out of a Nigerian contested zone. While it is a competent movie, Tears of the Sun attempts to be more, trying to be a high-minded, thoughtful movie, using an imaginary atrocity set in an area of the world that has more than its share of real atrocities being committed. The false premise isn't too big of a deal, but frankly speaking the screenplay just isn't strong enough to back up its ambition. If they'd spent less time trying to make me think and more time blowing people up and shooting them with machine guns, it would have been a much more enjoyable movie. Tears of the Sun received mixed reviews, and grossed around 85 million against a 70 million budget. Not terrible but not impressive either. Brace yourselves...
#3)Hudson Hawk(1991): Now we're getting into some real crap. Hudson Hawk was an "action comedy" about a master burglar and safe cracker (that's Willis) that features a variety of surreal, outlandish, and fantastical elements (for instance a machine that turns lead to gold). On top of this, the movie uses a lot of cartoon-ish elements, including slapstick humor and goofy sound effects. Some movies have made elements like that work, but Hudson Hawk is not one of them. Not even close. Far from being entertaining, Hudson Hawk is mostly awful, with parts that are so bad that they are physically painful to watch. Hudson Hawk is not funny, makes very little sense, and has little to no redeeming qualities. The movie experienced extensive rewriting even during filming (and I'm sure this contributed to how little sense it made). Bruce Willis helped write the story, and this would mark his first and last attempt at screenwriting. Judging from the end result, that was probably wise. In addition to being universally panned, Hudson Hawk was a financial disaster, grossing a pitiful 17 million against its 65 million dollar budget. Ouch Bruce.
#2Look Who's Talking Too(1990): I wish I was joking about this, but I am not. Bruce Willis, you might not know, played the voice of Mikey, the baby lead in the Who's Talking movie, as well as its sequel, this movie. I don't think I need to go too in depth as to why this movie is number two on this list. It is a movie about a baby, from the point of view of said baby, only he can talk (well not really, its like in those animal movies, he can only talk to other babies somehow). It deals with such deep and insightful issues as his coping with new baby Julie (voiced by Roseanne god help me) and learning to use the potty. If that sounds like a viable idea for a movie to you, well you should probably reconsider your decisions and values. It is troubling to think that the original Look Who's Talking was received positively by critics and moviegoers. Despite the fact that the second movie was not well received by critics, it still managed to gross almost 48 million dollars. That is a sad state of human affairs. Now we're just left with #1!
#1)The Whole Ten Yards(2004): Narrowly hedging out a movie about cussing babies, this movie is the sequel to earlier, much less shitty comedy The Whole Nine Yards, where Bruce Willis played ex-hit man Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski, who moves in next door to dental Hygienist Oz (Matthew Perry). While the first movie featured some entertaining off-beat humor, this sequel featured none of that. When I think of this movie, I also think of Analyze That, another sequel to a movie about a gang type (in that movie Robert De Niro is a mobster). I wonder what made the parties involved in either situation believe that they could somehow pull not one but two successful movies out of premises that are only sort of serviceable. It was unlikely that the first movie would be funny, and it was just impossible to expect that you could manage a second funny movie out of the exact same premise. The Whole Ten Yards is devoid of humor, full of stupid, cheap gags, but lacks anything resembling a point. The conflict that was present in this story was resolved at the end of the first fucking movie and there was nothing left to make a movie out of. What you end up with is an hour and a half of not fun bullshit. Critics agree, this movie is garbage, and it failed to recoup even half of its 40 million dollar budget. You don't need to know more about this movie than what I said here, its worthless and you shouldn't waste your precious time.
Well that's it for now! I forgive Bruce Willis for his part in this post, given all the good movies he's made. Tuesday I will try to start the week's posts out with something positive, before we go back to shitsville on Thursday.