Year in Review: The Worst of 2014

Hi everyone, welcome to part two of my year in review, where I look back at the ways in which I have wasted my precious free time, and consider which films were less of a waste or, in the case of today's post, the biggest wastes of all. It was somewhat challenging for this list to not just become a litany of young adult book adaptations that I found terrible, but I managed to inject at least some variety. The Mortal Instruments ducked the headsman's axe narrowly by coming out in 2013, even though I didn't watch it until 2014. Still not everyone was so lucky. Without further delay let's dive right into this.

The Tagline's Worst 5 of 2014:

5)Life After Beth: Original Post here.

Some ideas never make it to the big screen. Other ideas do make the jump, but really didn't deserve to. Such is the case with Life After Beth, an essentially funny premise for a short skit that is dragged out into a feature length trainwreck, that isn't as funny or charming as it thinks it is. Despite a solid cast of actors trying to salvage the movie, there ultimately just isn't enough movie to be worth saving. There are a couple laughs to be had but mostly I just alternated between bored and vaguely grossed out while I waited for the movie to be over. That isn't really what you want as a reaction now is it? If you are trying to complete some sort of achievement for seeing every movie Aubrey Plaza has been in, then I guess you can watch this and you probably won't die, but I wouldn't recommend it.

4)Left Behind:Original Post here.

I almost didn't include this one on here, partly because I just reviewed it and partly because it barely counts as a real release, but it DID see a theatrical release wide enough for it to bust into the 20 million range, and it IS a steaming piece of shit, so I merely relegated it to the bottom of the list so that I could reserve higher points on the list for more deserving candidates. That being said Left Behind is ridiculous, the premise is offensive to virtually every person, Christian or not. Even taken just as a disaster movie, and ignoring all the eschatological bullshit, this movie is a terrible entry into that genre, relying on incredible volumes of unfortunate coincidence and happenstance, and generally being a result of poor acting, bad editing, and nonsensical script writing. An all around example of what makes movies bad.

3)Vampire Academy:  Original Post here.

Now we're really getting into it. Imagine that you made a movie that was simultaneously trying to cash in on Twilight and Harry Potter, and you would more or less have the measure of Vampire Academy in theory. In this world there are like, vampires who are alive and mortal but they have magic powers, and then there are the bad feral vampires who want to eat them. Mostly this is your typical Teen Beat bullshit, with schoolyard bullying juxtaposed against some sort of supernatural or science fiction backdrop, and everyone clearly more interested in making out with each other than with the apparently dire emergency that is taking place. You can enjoy bad directing, a stupid premise, and amateur hour acting all in one place.

2)Gravity: Original Post here.

Now this was a really tough one for me. Between this and my number one there is a very thin line, and I hate them for similar reasons. This ultimately got bumped down to number two because it was more quickly forgotten and is unlikely to be receiving some kind of sequel. Offensive basically from beginning to end, Gravity is a special effects orgy with a barely existent plot, neatly adhering to virtually every Hollywood cliche you could achieve with two characters, and was applauded as if it were some sort of cinematic revelation. Better yet, this movie is referred to as science fiction, when if fact it is merely fiction taking place in space, where nothing happens that could not happen in real life. Just because you put Sandra Bullock in a fucking space suit, that doesn't mean you're making fucking 2001: A Space Odyssey okay?! This movie receives extra credit for also being sexist and vaguely racist.

1)Divergent: Original Post here.
Barely edging out Gravity for the number one spot, Divergent distinguishes itself by having been advertised and in theaters for what felt like virtually the entirety of 2014(no seriously this movie opened in mid-March and closed in July), and also by being slated for several sequels one of which is coming out this March (and you bet your ass I'll be waiting for that shitfest). Another sterling entry in the young-adult novels about post-apocalyptic settings with female protagonists, Divergent is all about unique snowflake Tris, and her trials as she tries to fit in at the cool kid table. The best way to describe this movie is that there is a mildly interesting film going on, set in a dystopian future, but we don't get to see any of it. That film is happening in the next room over, and we instead are stuck watching a feature length film about bullying in the future, and treated to a buffet of puerile bullshit. The fact that people liked this movie, and that it is receiving THREE sequels (including the now ever popular last book split into two movies) is compelling evidence that human beings deserve to be enslaved by hyper-intelligent apes.

That's it for today! Join me next week for a fresh round of reviews, starting off with this months Terrible Tuesday.