|All those skulls are people who died of|
This is very true. I don't spend a lot of time dreaming about really vague generic fantasy settings, where no one does anything that I find even remotely interesting. That is the magical land of the Hyborian Age in the 2011 reinterpretation of Robert E. Howard's fantasy universe (From what I recall the Hyborian Age is the fantasy equivalent of George Lucas' 'a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.'). After floating around in development limbo for the better part of a decade, changing production companies several times in the process, the studio system finally shat out this cinematic disaster. For those late to this particular subject, Conan the Barbarian, or Conan the Cimmerian was a character created by the aforementioned Mr. Howard, in fantasy stories serialized in the Weird Tales periodical in the 1930s . In the early '80s several films were made based around this character starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, and these films would garner him recognition worldwide as an action hero. Despite mixed reactions from critics they were also notably some of the first films based on comics and pulp fiction to actually turn a profit, cracking the door open for what would eventually become our comic-book infested free-for-all present. But this review isn't about those films. This review is about a much worse film.
|God narrates some of the most uninteresting information|
you're ever liable to hear.
|They made a movie that actually made me wish I was|
watching Season of the Witch.
|Remember, if his hair is tied back and he has a beard, he's|
Khal Drogo and not Conan.
|Rose McGowan takes this opportunity to creep us the hell out.|
|I'm so pissed this is only half way through the movie.|
The acting talent on tap doesn't exactly alleviate the pain of this non-existant plot. Stephen Lang, who you may remember from James Cameron's Avatar as the jackass army colonel who wants everyone to kill the furries (and that was such a stellar role) plays the evil warlord what's-his-face (I seriously had no idea what his name was. I guess it's Khalar Zym). Rose McGowan plays his evil daughter (whose name is evidently Marique) who is really creepy and gross while still being totally forgettable (I looked up some pictures and I think Rose has had some unfortunate cosmetic surgery, because she basically just looks like Marique with eyebrows. The rest of the cast is rounded out with leftovers from the G.I. Joe movie (which actually had a more interesting cast of characters and plot somehow) with Rachel Nichols as Tamara, the sacrifice girl, and Said Taghmaoui (that's a mouthful) as Conan's... friend? acquaintance he freed from slavery I guess? I don't know. The point is unremarkable cast does nothing I cared about. Jason Momoa does the best he can with the role, but with so little to go on I don't think I can blame him for anything that happened.
|Featuring revolvers that never run out of bullets.|